petite anglaise

August 31, 2006

missing in action

Filed under: city of light, good time girl, miam — bipolarinparis @ 12:50 pm

I take my seat with a group of girlfriends at L’Apparemment Café, an old haunt of mine deep inside the Marais, opposite the Musée Picasso, where you can choose from a long list of mouth-watering ingredients – sun dried tomatoes, artichokes, fresh marinated anchovies – to build your own salad. Except it is Sunday today and I had completely forgotten that on the day of our Lord they serve only brunch.

This would be perfect if I hadn’t already ploughed through a copious Pain Quotidien brunch the day before, a major blowout involving lashings of praline spread, confiture de lait and other sinful concoctions which, if they didn’t taste so good, might as well be applied directly to the thigh area with a palette knife.

Waving my healthy salad goodbye, I settle in for the long haul: juice, coffee, a boiled egg, mountains of crusty bread, pancakes with maple syrup, a cheese platter (the French always seem to add a random unnecessary savoury dish into every brunch menu, which I never have room for), fromage blanc and blackberry coulis… and conversation.

“I can’t believe you snogged two guys on the dancefloor last night. Seriously, you are a menace to society!” My friend blushes, as she has only just arrived, doesn’t know the other ladies present particularly well. She should be used to me by now.

“No”, she says, recovering her composure remarkably quickly, “they were the menace to society. Fancy reaching your mid-thirties and not knowing how to kiss. Appalling. One of them had a technique like a washing machine. His tongue went round and round in a clockwise motion, then suddenly went into reverse and swept round and round in the other direction. It was so, well, mechanical.” She shudders at the memory.

All this talk of domestic appliances calls to mind the last person who chatted me up: a Darty man who delivered my new cooker. Granted, I indulged in a little eyelash fluttering, but only because I wanted him to take away an old refrigerator left in the apartment by my predecessors, and that wasn’t strictly his job…

The result was ten or more messages left on my mobile in semi-literate text speak before my suitor finally drew the appropriate conclusions from my resounding silence.

“Men just seem like too much trouble right now, I don’t even have time to do all my own stuff, let alone take anyone else into account,” I say, almost thinking aloud. “Mind you, I kind of wish my favourite toy hadn’t gone missing when I moved.”

Because, yes, of all the things that could have inexplicably failed to materialise when I unpacked my boxes, it had to be that. I live in fear of it turning up at an inopportune moment (say, during a visit from my ex-mother in law).

Embarrassment potential: critical.

121 Comments

  1. I agree with your mate. The whole clubbing thing is a ghastly machine, a washer factory- perish the days. Paris de meme, though the psycho sexual police tend to enforce it.
    I’d say lover wasn’t so much a missing toy, but a gaping space. One that comes round maybe three times a lifetime. It must have been hard unpacking. So much of life can feel like these miserable unpacking sessions.
    Have you seen the classic Truly Madly Deeply?
    Just don’t Let unwanted characters come round and ‘unpack you!’

    xx

    Comment by fjl — August 31, 2006 @ 1:15 pm

  2. You write well, and seem to be an intelligent person from what you have written. You deserve a job where your talents (especially in writing) will be recognised and rewarded, and that is definitely not at a stuffy old institution run by old farts!

    Comment by Juliet — August 31, 2006 @ 1:32 pm

  3. Yes well you just make sure you have your friend there who will come up with an excuse that will make it seem like it’s, well, a household applicance. Do you really not have time to get another one or is there nothing in the house that could substitute? ER sorry that was just way too typically male of me. Hope you doing okay.

    Comment by warrior — August 31, 2006 @ 1:40 pm

  4. Very hard to keep the pounds off in France, but its all so so good… :)

    Comment by John N — August 31, 2006 @ 1:55 pm

  5. Be careful, toddlers have a habit of finding the things you’d rather stayed hidden and at the most inappropriate times.
    If you put Tadpole into the equation plus belle-mere plus ‘that’ – it would lead to a good blog . . . .

    Hope you find it first.

    Comment by Sablonneuse — August 31, 2006 @ 1:55 pm

  6. This reminds me of that scene in Steve Martins’ Parenthood when the lights go off and he says “wait, I think I’ve found the torch” followed by buzzing and much embarassment….

    Comment by Tom Amos — August 31, 2006 @ 2:16 pm

  7. wow, i like this post. a little more intimate and less “poetic”. like the petite of old. very nice. and hey, if you’ve got to flutter here and there to get things done, there’s no harm there. and here’s hoping your “best friend” shows up at a good time and not when MIL comes calling. =)

    Comment by Hammers — August 31, 2006 @ 2:17 pm

  8. My star wars mad 6yr old son found mine – apparently made a great ‘shake saber’ – still thanking lucky stars that elder daughter was out. New safe place found, but SO inaccessible that it hardly seems woth the desperate effort. Admire your courageous honesty, but will this post turn into a thread worthy of Abby Lee?!

    Comment by j — August 31, 2006 @ 2:19 pm

  9. Naughty!!!

    Comment by David In London — August 31, 2006 @ 2:25 pm

  10. Completely hilarious. I always seem to lose the most banal things when I move, although this last time my entire collection of pants and socks seems to have gone walkies… D’you think that there’s some pervy removal firm out there with a bizarre collection???
    PS – brunch sounds delish. Am starving, and that hasn’t helped…

    Comment by Lizzy Eccles — August 31, 2006 @ 2:26 pm

  11. “…technique like a washing machine. His tongue went round and round in a clockwise motion, then suddently went into reverse and swept round and round in the other direction”

    You means there’s something WRONG with that? That explains a lot…

    TCA

    Comment by TCA — August 31, 2006 @ 2:32 pm

  12. Hi petite,

    I couldn’t help but notice your current reading material. I have just finished both books – what do you think of them?

    Comment by cara — August 31, 2006 @ 2:36 pm

  13. Oh Petite! My mind is in overdrive trying to imagine what it can possibly be! I sympathise completely with your friend, I too have a particular aversion to the washing machine technique when it comes to kissing, you start feeling nauseous and then worry that you will choke on your own vomit.

    Comment by Lucy — August 31, 2006 @ 2:53 pm

  14. Thanks for this insider view into a real life all-girl reunion. It confirms absolutely everything I always suspected ;-)

    Comment by ontario frog — August 31, 2006 @ 2:54 pm

  15. Yes, it brings to mind the little French email movie that runs around the internet featuring a woman eventually entertaining all her family, the mother in law, and the local priest who have gathered in her bedroom to wish her happy birthday as her toy is going hell for leather under the blankets. Ends up with the toy flying through the air courtesy of the dog and lodging in the birthday cake, buzzing and waving around in gay abandon.
    I’ll leave that for your imagination to dwell on. he he.

    Comment by Gil — August 31, 2006 @ 3:04 pm

  16. I think cheese and other savoury items – such as cold meats, saucisson or even smoked salmon – make fantastic brunch items.

    ps i hope your toy did not literally go ‘missing in action’.

    Comment by Dan — August 31, 2006 @ 3:15 pm

  17. Are you certain she’d know what it was?

    Comment by Jim — August 31, 2006 @ 3:28 pm

  18. As to the embarassment potential: who knows what surprising reactions you may get in the future (maybe even mothers-in-law are not what they have never been:-). Actually, we should all have some toys “hidden” and let other people “find” them – to see their reactions!
    I love the way you talk about food….

    Comment by alcessa — August 31, 2006 @ 3:39 pm

  19. funny, your story reminds me of my friend.
    She had a falling out with her sister (both still living with their prudish parents)
    when she moved out she left her “toy” standing straight up on her sisters dresser in full view of anyone who walked into her room.

    Her mother found it and threw it into the closet in disgust!
    This was years ago and we still laugh about it!
    great blog bTW

    Comment by brandy — August 31, 2006 @ 3:44 pm

  20. ?? Do we really have to understand what I think we have to understand ?? That’s quite an interesting starting point for a promising comment thread !

    Comment by Yogi — August 31, 2006 @ 3:56 pm

  21. Too funny! Most people remember where they pack their “personal items” when moving, often labeling the box with some mundane title such as “Christmas decorations” so as to avoid detection by the moving helpers.

    Simply recognizing that it will turn up at the most inopportune moment dooms you to such a fate. Murphy’s Law…if it can go wrong it will.

    Comment by Adam — August 31, 2006 @ 4:14 pm

  22. Is really an … er … apparatus really necessary ? Doesn’t … er … manual processing just do the trick ?

    Comment by Yogi — August 31, 2006 @ 4:40 pm

  23. good choice! L’aparemment café is such a nice place. I used to go there a lot (during my stutent days) because of the free access to table-games : you could spend the whole afternoon playing chess or trivial pursuit seated in a nice cosy room for the price of a single café.
    As for the elusive toy, let’s hope that it will appear again (it will of course) at a not-too-unconvenient time… and anyway you could of course replace it by a human one. Of course I read n°10 of your 33 things but you might get luckier !

    Comment by Chris — August 31, 2006 @ 4:48 pm

  24. That’s great. I’ll second Adam’s comment – although that can lead to completely forgetting what the mundane label refers to, thus leading to an even more embarrassing discovery (kitchen utensils? stuffed animals?).

    Comment by BlondebutBright — August 31, 2006 @ 4:52 pm

  25. the kiss is the tell.

    the difference between ‘kaboom’ and ‘kerplop’ is all in the thought just before the lips meet. clear your mind and enjoy it… it will be returned. otherwise… KERPLOP!

    now i’m hungry! (referring to your brunch)… maybe :)

    cheers!

    m.

    Comment by m. — August 31, 2006 @ 5:04 pm

  26. Actually, Darty does remove appliances when they make deliveries, but you have to make prior arrangements with them (and ’tis free). All hail the men in the silly blue and yellow vans.

    Am I seeing an appliance motif to this post? Washing-machine linguistics and Darty drague-fests?

    Your friend should perhaps branch out to the ragga bars — she’s right, 30s and no inter-buccal technique is just not on. Think of what that implies for the préliminaires!

    But for you… wasn’t there an option to the heart-crushing silence imposed on a poor illiterate grunt? I can think of a few, but then again too few to mention in such a public space.

    Bises, m’dear et à bientôt !

    Comment by Puppy — August 31, 2006 @ 5:47 pm

  27. Google “smitten Kitten” great site for replacement, tested by me, and I have spent lots of time and money searching and buying different items since I came out 4 years ago.
    Hmmm…kinda like when I was hetero.Test and reject. Sorry, that sounded mean, yikes.
    All silicone, no latex, very healthy.
    Just like women, the good ones are expensive! Next time, put it in your purse, goofball :)
    But I agree, I hope you find someone nice to date and have fun with on “other” levels. We are so lovin you in the States now, Petite.

    Comment by Jezzie — August 31, 2006 @ 5:53 pm

  28. Dancing and kissing are the first indicators of what could follow, they can seduce, but they can also be an early warning signal!

    Comment by helensparkles — August 31, 2006 @ 6:01 pm

  29. Perhaps the substitute boy toy has gone where stray socks end up….In which case there is a very happy sock at the moment……….

    Comment by Dave of the Lake — August 31, 2006 @ 6:22 pm

  30. Just do *not* take the plane !

    Comment by aymardo — August 31, 2006 @ 6:36 pm

  31. There was a great line by Sally Field in “Punchline” where she’s a housewife trying to break into stand-up comedy and she’s talking about said personal appliances: “I don’t want to be intimate with anything that has a 90-day warranty”.

    I am currently living AT my mother’s house and live in fear that she will one day, for no good reason, decide to snoop through the drawer where I keep my jeans… and discover something hidden underneath that she would NEVER want to know about her own daughter.

    Comment by The Bold Soul — August 31, 2006 @ 6:50 pm

  32. This is a sad sad sad world…

    Comment by 4 roses — August 31, 2006 @ 7:06 pm

  33. I went to this great party once, an all girls affair, we swapped our favourite little toys round until everyone had had a go with everybody elses (there were about twenty of us so this took a while). It was a bit like a husband swapping party but without the complications. We all had a whale of a time as I’m sure you can imagine!

    Comment by Sabrina — August 31, 2006 @ 7:09 pm

  34. But I love the healthy curiosity of children.

    Comment by 4 roses — August 31, 2006 @ 7:15 pm

  35. I’m not sure about that toy swapping party…I hope they were thoroughly cleaned between each swap session.

    Comment by Adam — August 31, 2006 @ 8:09 pm

  36. I haven’t got the faintest idea what you’re talking about!

    Comment by Greg — August 31, 2006 @ 8:12 pm

  37. Your ex mother-in-law finding your toy will be a very interesting post for you to write.

    Comment by banana — August 31, 2006 @ 8:17 pm

  38. HA, I just had to laugh out loud when I read Dave of the Lake’s post :) (Who by the way I was more than a little suspect of way back when Jim’s identity was still a mystery, sorry) Anyway, does anyone watch the series Weeds on Showtime? With cable/internet/netflix etc. our viewing habits seem to be melding. They just had a bit where the plumber had to come out for some stopped up pipes and he found striped tube socks down there. He then had to explain why her young son might be flushing them. As a female (w/o son) I was equally enlightened at this particular er, usage. Very Funny!

    BTW I do believe now that Yogi is not a female :)

    Comment by California Reader — August 31, 2006 @ 8:29 pm

  39. I think there must be some law of physics that guarantees “special toys” will never survive any move of any distance. Mine apparently wasn’t ready to move from Chicago to Detroit. Though, like you, if it did move, wherever in this house it is, it will most certainly be found by my mother-in-law when she’s visiting at Christmas.

    Comment by Sarah — August 31, 2006 @ 8:42 pm

  40. Your friends washing machine incident could have been worse- my old boyfriend was like a dishwasher. It was as if he was trying to clean my face. Needless to say, that was not a particularly long relationship. Oh, and speaking of vibrating household appliances, isnt sitting on a washing machine meant to be a good…toy substitute?

    Comment by Whisper — August 31, 2006 @ 8:48 pm

  41. Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

    Comment by Keith — August 31, 2006 @ 9:15 pm

  42. I tend to throw out embarrassing items prior to a move and then repurchase afterwards. Although you girls have such complicated snap on attachments, perhaps it’s all a bit too expensive. (Have I taken this too far? Moderator… A little help please)

    Comment by Hugo Carr — August 31, 2006 @ 10:07 pm

  43. I would definitely be on the look out for your “toy”. My 4-year-old came across mine one day (although I’m sure I had it well-hidden), and demanded an explanation on what it was.

    After stumbling a little bit, I finally said, “It’s a massager for ladies.” He seemed satisfied with that, but I still wouldn’t want him whipping it out at dinner parties!

    Comment by Neila — August 31, 2006 @ 10:47 pm

  44. soundtrack, G.Love & Special Sauce – Baby’s got sauce…. ?

    Comment by Aymardo — August 31, 2006 @ 10:58 pm

  45. Maybe (ex-) mother in law would approve the implied hint of a life-style of celibacy. Short of going into a nunnery obviously, but still…

    Comment by denke — August 31, 2006 @ 11:07 pm

  46. Adam, yes of course it was totally hygenic, no need to worry on that score, everything was washed in hot soapy water and we also had a bucket of dettol.

    Comment by Sabrina — August 31, 2006 @ 11:55 pm

  47. You would have to be the naughtiest good girl I have ever come across.

    As terrible as it may seem, there’s a sneaky part of me that wants that little ‘toy’ found by the most unsuspecting character so I can get a good laugh out of your next blog.

    NR

    Comment by Neil r — September 1, 2006 @ 12:02 am

  48. Your post title could have been “Missing. Inaction.”

    Comment by the_editter — September 1, 2006 @ 12:14 am

  49. I personally prefer dueling tongues but softly with a bit of wit thrown in. ;-) RE Mr Buzzy: Buy a new one: Searching through a sex store is a genuine pleasure and many pleasureable items may be dicovered. Take along a girl friend or two; much hilarity will ensue :-)

    Keep on blogging, p’tite.
    Cheers
    Frank

    Comment by Frank — September 1, 2006 @ 12:30 am

  50. Obviously said appliance was placed for safekeeping in a more general domestic appliance, the fridge, then removed by Dartyman. His semi-literate text messages like trvz gode dns le frigo were not a cryptic invitation to embrace a higher spiritual well-being in a left-bank haunt but a heartfelt desire to reunite action to miss.

    Comment by fibsor — September 1, 2006 @ 12:33 am

  51. Ah, Petite, my best friend’s daughter (I think 2 at the time?) did find her toy and bring it into the living room to play with in front of the now ex-mother-in-law. Much to my friend’s horror.

    She will never ever live it down. Ever.

    Comment by 21stcenturywoman — September 1, 2006 @ 2:14 am

  52. Well, they say you learn something new everyday, and I’ve certainly learned a lot to-day! I’ve never had so much fun since my leg went septic…..

    Comment by Keith — September 1, 2006 @ 2:22 am

  53. Happy Blog Day 2006. I am linking you in honor of Blog Day.

    I really, sincerely hope and pray your “toy” does not make a surprise appearance! Unless you plan to blog about it…

    Comment by marnie — September 1, 2006 @ 2:28 am

  54. I know just how you feel, my mum chucked out my favourite childhood Meccano set AND my collection of 2000AD comics last year, man I was gutted, toys hold such sentimental value, don’t they?
    (…Huh? What do you mean, “you’re not quite…”?)

    Comment by Tom Tyler — September 1, 2006 @ 4:01 am

  55. Once, many years ago, I was a real estate agent showing a house to potential buyers. On demonstrating the vast storage in the master bedroom, I effortlessly opened the gliding door to the built in wardrobe… a “device” fell to the floor. My older couple clearly embarrassed. Then, to add confusion to the moment, the owner of the device walked in just as I had it in my hand to replacce it……the silence was deafening…. my colour ( unlike the devices) was very red…

    Comment by simon — September 1, 2006 @ 8:10 am

  56. Sabrina you’re just perfect.

    Comment by 4 roses — September 1, 2006 @ 8:37 am

  57. Your friend is absolutely right, bad kissing is reason enough to eliminate someone — unless they are worth instructing ….

    As to your toy, I haven’t the faintest clue …. ;-)

    Comment by Lost in France — September 1, 2006 @ 10:04 am

  58. Appreciate your love of Pain Quotidien, those of us who live in France or Belgium know what it is to take refuge in these temples of good living. In South America there’s another chain serving equally magnificent salads “Crepes and Waffles”, never had either as the salads are so good. I believe there may even be one franchise in Madrid.

    D.

    Comment by David — September 1, 2006 @ 11:25 am

  59. keith your leg would not be septic if you had sabrina’sbucket.i am off to buy dettol

    Comment by p — September 1, 2006 @ 11:35 am

  60. Aymardo, I love your soundtrack ideas, have downloaded one onto my Ipod, Neil Diamond’s “And the grass will pay no mind”. I’ve never been into Neil Diamond but this is a really sweet song. Will now check out “Baby’s got sauce.”

    Comment by Susannah — September 1, 2006 @ 12:15 pm

  61. I have one of these to keep my buzzy friends in.

    They have various other storage items (including fluffy pillows?!?). There _are_ solutions out there to keep things locked up!

    Vital for those of us whose mother is quite likely to turn up and decide to poke through the bedside drawers looking for… who knows what it was she wanted… And then behaves as though it’s all your fault!

    Comment by little_bounce — September 1, 2006 @ 12:36 pm

  62. Fibsor

    Absolute gem of a comment !
    Colleagues are looking a me in a funny sideway as I giggle to my screen for no apparent reason.

    Do you have a blog ?

    Comment by Froog — September 1, 2006 @ 12:37 pm

  63. Do you women actually need men any more?
    Jim x

    Comment by Jim — September 1, 2006 @ 2:52 pm

  64. Lost in France, I’m not sure there’s such a thing as “worth instructing.” If they can’t kiss, run.

    “Men just seem like too much trouble right now, I don’t even have time to do all my own stuff, let alone take anyone else into account,” – wise words indeed, Petite Anglaise.

    Comment by Sophmom — September 1, 2006 @ 3:15 pm

  65. Never fear, Jim, women need men like flowers need the rain. Always have done, always will.
    Susannah x

    Comment by Susannah — September 1, 2006 @ 3:39 pm

  66. I agree Susannah. It’s good to achieve the desired response, but it’s a lot more fun with someone else. Kind of like hitting a tennis ball against a wall vs. playing with a partner.

    Jim, the most wonderful thing about being a modern, independent woman is knowing that you can have a happy sucessful life without a man, then going and finding one to share said happy life with.

    Comment by Leslie — September 1, 2006 @ 3:58 pm

  67. A horrible thought came to me just then: did I or did I not tuck it into the back pocket of my travelbag when I was packing?

    i.e. the travelbag Tadpole took with her for her three week stay with the notquite-inlaws?

    *shiver*

    Comment by petite — September 1, 2006 @ 4:04 pm

  68. So funny! Men often think they’ve mastered THE technique but are so often off the mark, it’s sad! Kissing is an art just like that which inevitably ensues afterwards (all right, not ALL kissing leads to sex every time). If said kissing is done properly, it definitely gets my tap aflowing!!

    Whomever suggested you put a toy in your handbag must be mad! God, I’d die if it fell out in public!! No way would I put a toy in my bag…the most naughty thing I have in there (besides tampons) is a penis shaped lipstick I’ve barely used so it keeps its shape! Haha! :-P

    Comment by Karma — September 1, 2006 @ 4:14 pm

  69. you better get a new one,like where has it been

    Comment by p — September 1, 2006 @ 4:15 pm

  70. Petite, wasn’t there a tv commercial ??

    Yesssss :

    Aymardo (trying not to fall down laughing in a boring meeting)

    Comment by aymardo — September 1, 2006 @ 4:39 pm

  71. All of this makes me glad to be a guy…we have two sex toys, but only the most fortunate are dexterous enough (if not fortunate enough) to use more than one at a time; they stay attached to us all the time; they are always visible to the public (except sometimes when outside in the winter); and everyone knows we have them and what we use them for. Its all too easy.

    Comment by Adam — September 1, 2006 @ 4:42 pm

  72. Adam, you cheeky boy! Do you ever let anyone else play with your toys?

    Comment by Sabrina — September 1, 2006 @ 5:24 pm

  73. Hi. Your blog is very popular and now I realzed why. When I started reading your posts, I had the inspiration to create my new blog. I hope you can find sometime to teach a Filipina girl.

    Thanks and Good Luck!

    Comment by Mabelle — September 1, 2006 @ 5:44 pm

  74. Sabrina,
    On occasion I have been known to share, if someone asks nicely. It also depends on what that person wants to do with them.

    Comment by Adam — September 1, 2006 @ 8:29 pm

  75. OK, I’ll probably get a severe comment-lashing for this but, are you people really buying the story of the so-called toy swap? First, ew! I’ve been to many a “naughty ladies” parties that include the sale of said products and plenty of verbal (giggly) demontsrations or suggestions for use, and generally accompanied by many fruity alcoholic beverages. I actually prefer this purchase method over the internet alternative, lest I would have to enter the type of establishment with these products on display. This posted story however would have us believe that 20 women would gather (with their previously used “toys”) and commence a mutual masturbation marathon, cleaning and exchanging in between. Me thinks even the Penthouse Forum imaginations are more believable than that. If it is true…do you and your friends work in the porn business.
    Sorry, I consider myself pretty open minded but really, that’s just disgusting!

    Comment by California Reader — September 1, 2006 @ 11:59 pm

  76. Just wanted to let you know how great I think this sort of thing is Petite. You get to hear so many different points of view from people from all different cultures. I had no idea that some of these things existed, I don’t think we get them all in Canada. By the way Keith is your leg all healed now?

    Comment by Mark McKegrow — September 2, 2006 @ 2:05 am

  77. So the delivery men didn’t take it? I think I’d be more careless with where I put my cookware, socks and everything else before I lost that. I do hope it isn’t in your daughter’s bag.

    Comment by Susan — September 2, 2006 @ 9:22 am

  78. PS in response to California Reader, I’d definitely say ‘no, no way, no way did that happen’. If it did, I’m glad I wasn’t there. As if a group of women would or could orgasm amongst themselves 20 times each anyway… How long did this party go on for?
    (Sorry, Petite…)

    Comment by Susan — September 2, 2006 @ 9:25 am

  79. California Reader, where did you get that idea from? This post is telling us about a converstion Petite had with her girlfriends in a Cafe in paris and then the subject turned to her favourite missing “toy”!

    Are you on drugs?

    Comment by Kirsty — September 2, 2006 @ 10:17 am

  80. Adam, I’m afraid to say my original reply did not get past moderation, so will have to leave it to your imagination, suffice to say I would have asked very nicely and you would have enjoyed it very much of that you can be sure! ;)

    Comment by Sabrina — September 2, 2006 @ 11:17 am

  81. Sophmom and Karma, I agree with you about the importance of kissing… maybe someone can’t be instructed in the area. Does poor kissing indicate a total lack of sensuality?

    Sophmom, good for you for your work on behalf of New Orleans — they certainly need the help.

    Comment by Lost in France — September 2, 2006 @ 11:28 am

  82. It must have been a very small toy, in any case I sincerely hope so what with you being so petite and all that, you know what I mean.
    …ok just forget it

    Comment by Trevor — September 2, 2006 @ 3:22 pm

  83. Sabrina: I only delete spam as a rule and in other comments I occasionally remove offensive language and replace it with stars (for my mum’s sake) and I have never allowed anyone to name my ex-employer on this site either.

    I don’t know what happened to your comment, but I didn’t intentionally delete it…

    Comment by petite — September 2, 2006 @ 3:25 pm

  84. liar, liar your pants is on fiar

    Comment by Trevor — September 2, 2006 @ 3:28 pm

  85. I find the thing is with dating (actually there’s several things with dating but the *big* thing I find with dating is…) when you really like someone and want to somehow move things on to a different level.

    And why oh why oh why oh why is there “liking someone”, “loving someone” and precious little by way of emotional description in between?

    Love it, keep it up.

    Comment by Trying Times — September 2, 2006 @ 3:34 pm

  86. Solution to any potential embarrassment: just pretend they’ve cleverly incorporated MP3 into your Shanghai Nights Vibrating CyberSkin Stroker and shriek – “Oh, THERE’S my missing iPod – Thank You!!”, as you snatch it from mother-in-law.
    Then wait to see if she colours up, thus giving herself away. Easy.
    And one day, they will…

    Comment by Andrew — September 2, 2006 @ 4:40 pm

  87. can you describe a perfect kiss? BS

    Comment by boosenior — September 2, 2006 @ 4:52 pm

  88. My first few kisses (as a teen) were all weirdly reminiscent of various aspects of housework:

    First kiss: Rubber glove. The only thing which made any impression was the weird texture of our semi-dry lips.

    Second kiss: Broom handle. As in “tongue like a”. Eurgh.

    Third kiss: Vacuum cleaner. All suck and no, um, yes, well.

    Fourth kiss: Mop. Wet and sloppy. Surreptitious mouth-wiping after each one.

    As for losing your appliances… I hid my two when our house was full of builders. I have absolutely no idea where they are, and I just know my son will find them in ten years when he’s a teenager. Or his mates will. Argh.

    Comment by Clare — September 2, 2006 @ 5:16 pm

  89. You know you’re getting old when the description of what someone had for lunch is of more interest to you than missing toys and mother-in-law jokes!
    :)

    Comment by Tattieheid — September 2, 2006 @ 5:17 pm

  90. I know, I’m sorry Petite, I was just kidding, nothing I wrote got deleted. I’m really glad to hear you delete offensive language for your Mum’s sake…I can’t abide it either. Hope your “toy” turns up soon (but not in the travel bag at you MiL’s!) When does Tadpole get back, I bet you miss her loads.
    Best wishes
    Sabrina

    Comment by Sabrina — September 2, 2006 @ 5:35 pm

  91. To “Kirsty”,
    If you’d read the comment stream you wouldn’t even have to ask that question. The comments are in fact a part of this blog, which makes it quite fun virtually getting to know the regular readers, “hearing’ the different accents in the way the comments are grammatically arranged, etc. One reader once wrote that the comments are as much fun to read as Petite’s stories, I have to agree (generally). Excuse me for being grossed out by what appears to be some make-believe comment posted on Petite’s site (Sabrina; posts #33 & 46). I just felt her readership was just a little smarter than that, your comment proves how wrong I was there. I, for one, appreciate her blog for it’s candidness and raw honesty, even quite a giggle of empathy in the possible embarrassment for the future discover of the lost item. So the answer to your imbecilic question is…No, no drugs here, but I was in college in the eighties :)

    Comment by California Reader — September 2, 2006 @ 8:53 pm

  92. Petite,
    Sorry to use up your space with that comment for Kirsty. I just felt that to believe Sabrina’s story was a bit like saying that a sleep over at the girls will include a pillow fight and randy spanking. Isn’t it stories like those that actually create those kissing menaces of society?.

    I do love to read the comments too, some very funny and interesting notes. You’ve become a regular routine after pulling up work, news, weather…petite. So happy always to see a new blog post but always come back after a few comments have come in just to see what your readership writes. It’s obvious that some of them have become your real world friends over time so they even now seem to be part of the blog (story). I really enjoy it. Again, just my opinion…Thanks

    Comment by California Reader — September 2, 2006 @ 9:34 pm

  93. No offence taken at all. I’m used to commenters talking amongst themselves…it’s often very entertaining to see what I’ve unleashed.

    Comment by petite — September 2, 2006 @ 10:12 pm

  94. “Sabrina’s story was a bit like saying that a sleep over at the girls will include a pillow fight and randy spanking. ”

    1st Maiden -“First, you must spank me
    2nd Maiden – “Then me…”
    Other Maidens..(all together) “Then me…..”

    1st Maiden – “…..and then, after you have given us all a good spanking, the oral sex!”

    (Sorry, but after the original comment, I had visions of Monty Python running through my head…..)

    Comment by Dave of the Lake — September 2, 2006 @ 10:35 pm

  95. Clare, I feel you must have been very unlucky, my first kiss was divine for which I’m very thankful because it was a good stepping stone and spurred me on
    to want more (I mean more kisses!) Your fourth kiss sounds like the one I dislike the most, far too wet, I’m surprised you went back for more when you had to wipe such copious amounts of saliva off afterwards. I love kissing almost as much as sex and it became a bit of a hobby when I was a teenager but the one thing I do regret is never having kissed anyone with facial hair (I know, it surprises me too)…it would be nice to have that experience just once.

    Comment by Jasmine — September 2, 2006 @ 10:54 pm

  96. Just to put the record straight, the toy party actually happened and is not just a figment of my imagination. I know it is hard for some of you men to come to terms with but the truth is women can have more fun than men in that department because they are much more multi orgasmic creatures than men. It’s one of the great things about being a woman and just one of those facts of life that men sometimes find hard to swallow but you can’t always have it your way. Women are superior in some ways, get over it, guys!

    Comment by Sabrina — September 2, 2006 @ 11:56 pm

  97. Just got back from a hard day at the office, it’s great to see what people have had to say throughout the day. I think this is a wonderful medium for mulling over the days activities and seeing things from other peoples perspective, it’s like a small community in its own right. Life can be humdrum at times but often it’s the small things that make all the difference.

    I think petite makes the whole thing come together with her anecdotes and flair for making every day things sound so interesting. I’m definitely going to make this a regular stop off.

    Comment by Mark Mckegrow — September 3, 2006 @ 1:58 am

  98. Ben voilà, maintenant faut que je me remette à l’anglais… je viens de découvrir votre blog, il me plait déjà même si je n’ai pas toutes les finesses…
    A+

    Comment by tillou — September 3, 2006 @ 6:06 am

  99. Sabrina’s account of the girls’ toy party may seem hard to believe but those sort of parties do take place because I know people who have been to ones like it. I myself have never been invited to one and nor would I want to be for that matter. I’ve never liked the idea of a mass orgey as I think these things should be done in private.

    Comment by Rachael — September 3, 2006 @ 7:18 am

  100. Jasmine, I have to agree with you there, I think a good kiss is almost as pleasurable as good sex. In fact, if you put Johnny Depp in front of me now and he said “Do you want a kiss or the full works?” I’d go for the kiss option because I have to know someone very well indeed before I would even consider having sex with them.

    Comment by Susannah — September 3, 2006 @ 8:37 am

  101. Petite, *delurking* sorry to jump to another old subject … many posts ago, there was a thread about accommodation that was fairly priced …. I was trying to find it, but after re-reading half your entire blog my eyes crossed into a beautiful oriental expression …. Can you help me ?
    I love reading your blog, it’s amazing …. you know that but it’s good to be told on a regular basis.
    Your commenters are hilarious too – the people you attract show just how great you are.
    Ta.

    Comment by Cat — September 3, 2006 @ 9:40 am

  102. Cat, the hotels discussion was an off topic thread in the recent “navigo” post, to the bottom of this page.

    Comment by petite — September 3, 2006 @ 10:12 am

  103. Thanks for the leads re the hotels !
    I had an embarrassing moment not too long ago. My husband is a confirmed technophile, buys anything remotely gadgety with a circuit board. So … he sends me off to the post office to collect yet another “article” .. and speaking of beautiful oriental expressions – the dear behind the counter must still have hers in place to this day – the invoice for duty payment said: Contents: orgasmatron.
    Just a glorified head massager type thingummy that looks like a wild spider and vibrates like a cellphone – but the effect on postal service employees was greater than any possible embarrassment.
    Hope you find your orgasmatron soon, with MIL intervention.

    Comment by Cat — September 3, 2006 @ 11:46 am

  104. My money is on the old fridge. Thats where you stashed it!

    Comment by meredic — September 3, 2006 @ 1:04 pm

  105. “I know it is hard for some of you men to come to terms with but the truth is women can have more fun than men in that department because they are much more multi orgasmic creatures than men…Women are superior in some ways, get over it, guys.”
    Pas de problem. It’s not the men on the forum it’s the men in your head.
    Go to girlwithaonetrackmind if you want to find out what men really think of multi orgasmic women.

    Comment by Andrew — September 3, 2006 @ 1:06 pm

  106. I think I’m falling in love with Mark McKegrow.

    Comment by Rachael — September 3, 2006 @ 2:29 pm

  107. Steady on. I’m the only one allowed to find love in this here comments box.

    Comment by petite — September 3, 2006 @ 2:49 pm

  108. Been there, done it,got the short sleeved top, thanks, Andrew

    Comment by Sabrina — September 3, 2006 @ 3:46 pm

  109. Done what, exactly, Sabrina?

    Comment by Andrew — September 4, 2006 @ 1:21 am

  110. eek…my friend had to travel ten hours to pack her old room and bring it back to London, even when her mum offered to do it, just so she could pack that one item…

    Comment by lilacstripe — September 4, 2006 @ 10:39 am

  111. Ha. Ha. I am still laughing at this: His tongue went round and round in a clockwise motion, then suddenly went into reverse and swept round and round in the other direction. It was so, well, mechanical.” dawn

    Comment by dawn — September 4, 2006 @ 8:37 pm

  112. Andrew, I don’t want to discuss anything I’ve done with you, in fact I don’t want to discuss anything at all with you. I was being ironic in my comment about multi orgasmic women, I know exactly what men think of them without having to go to some sordid little website.

    Comment by Sabrina — September 4, 2006 @ 11:02 pm

  113. Petite,

    I’m sorry ‘Mr. Pole’ has gone missing. Maybe he will turn up later, as good as new and all charged up and ready to go.

    Good luck, buzzz, buzzz.

    Comment by John K — September 4, 2006 @ 11:31 pm

  114. Sab, I know, I know….but you should try to resist reactiong so predictably, cos people can be sooo unkind.
    But really I do think it was just a little unkind of you, calling that nice girlwithaonetrackmind’s blog a sordid little website, even if meant in an ironically post-ironic sense.

    There! You made me reference the naughty site again you little minx. Shame on you!

    And don’t forget everyone, Petite’s on Radio 4 today at 0930am BST. I’ll be listening.

    Comment by Andrew — September 5, 2006 @ 1:20 am

  115. *Don’t post – just for your info only :-) *

    Hatachi Magic Wand. It’s hand operated Massager.
    Often used for – errr – other purposes.

    And it also gives good massages!

    Zero embarassement potential.

    Enjoy :-)

    Comment by London Reader — September 5, 2006 @ 11:20 am

  116. So much for discretion! :-) :-) :-)

    Comment by London Reader — September 5, 2006 @ 11:30 am

  117. Your special toy isn’t hidden away in its box is it? Just noticed that item 26 on your 33 things had changed recently!

    No, melanie didn’t send me, blame Radio 4 instead :-)

    PS Where do you get all your photos from?

    Comment by tricky — September 5, 2006 @ 3:50 pm

  118. Don’t worry; Tadpole will find it, or Mr. Frog will…*smirk*

    Sorry…I’m in an up-to-absolutely-no-good mood ;)

    Comment by Belle — September 6, 2006 @ 3:00 pm

  119. My ex’s mother used to let herself into our house on occassion to do his ironing, which was the cause for many a conflict as for some inane reason he didn’t seem to see why it was an issue.
    Until one day I got so annoyed, I put a *toy* in his underwear drawer, right on top, in technicolor glory.

    She never mentioned it, stopped ironing and we broke up shortly afterwards. Funnily enough, said toy also went missing around the time I left.

    When I moved this time, I ensured my new and current toy went with the handbags so I knew where it would be…

    Comment by ladymissmarquise — September 8, 2006 @ 2:08 am

  120. I’m getting very curious about these *toys* now, I have never even seen own let alone owned one, where can I get one from and how do they work, please?

    Comment by Marielle — September 8, 2006 @ 12:13 pm

  121. my ex left me a ‘friendly surprise’ in my luggage once – only for me to find upon arrival in the country I was travelling to! – i am still trying to find this rather large and flourescent orange pleasure maker in my old room at my parents house – and I am starting to panic as they are making over the room in the next few weeks………….

    Gulp.

    Comment by Monkey — September 8, 2006 @ 4:18 pm


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