I was poised to write a comment in response to this post, fully expecting to unearth the usual “suppository porn stories” and “secretary spanked boss” or “stapler of death” queries which are pretty much a constant. But as I scrolled through the search terms for other amusing examples, the findings were often puzzling, sometimes poignant and, well, I decided they merited a mini-post of their own.
Now I know that google is for many of us the first port of call in a crisis, a place where one can find the answer to many of the questions we would have asked our mother or doctor. When Tadpole took it upon herself to swallow a pebble a few months ago, I typed in all manner of queries about “swallowed foreign objects” before reaching for the telephone to call Mr Frog (who has a couple of friends who are GP’s), then my mum.
So it is not too surprising to see people asking the all-knowing google algorithm for answers to questions like:
- can the musty spider pushchair be used from birth?
- my boyfriend wears my knickers is he gay?
But, having said that, it never occured to me to use google for relationship counselling.
- How to heal your broken heart after a divorce?
- Can you break soul ties and remain friends?
- Why won’t he marry me after 13 years?
- How to imitate my husband’s voice to fool his girlfriend?
There I was trawling through the stats looking for funnies, and instead, rather unexpectedly, I found myself empathising; feeling other people’s pain.
There was only one question I did feel equipped to answer, and it may be the subject of a forthcoming post, one day.
how to talk dirty in French?
However, being the sort of person who is more likely to say “is it in yet?” or “ouch, that’s starting to chafe” than “come here big boy”, I suspect “petite’s guide to bedroom French” may not be quite what the googlers had in mind.
about
books
press
fbk
petite anglaise 
well, I can think of a least one more question you could easily answer: “how to write a funny and witty blog”
Comment by natacha — November 17, 2006 @ 2:27 pm
In my stats, the one that’s always at the top of the most common search term is ‘How to dump someone.’ It gets 2-3 hits per day and it’s not as if I show up at the top of google’s list.
I’m considering changing the entry it refers to so that it doesn’t say ‘Just ignore the phone – I got the message.’
Comment by neil — November 17, 2006 @ 3:24 pm
Yaxlich is always amazed at what people type in to Google. He is still trying to work out what possessed someone to type “a fishes arse” into Google in the first place. He then wonders what they thought when they found Yaxlich’s blog. Were they disappointed that they didn’t find any hardcore pictures of rainbow trout?
He does hope, though, that the person who typed “How long does it takes a eyebrow hair to grow back after being plucked?” managed to find the answer on his blog.
Comment by Yaxlich — November 17, 2006 @ 3:26 pm
being the sort of person who is more likely to say “is it in yet?” or “ouch, that’s starting to chafe” than “come here big boy”
Less sexy, but infinitely more useful.
Comment by Iain — November 17, 2006 @ 3:27 pm
If you have to ask ‘is it in yet?’, you must’ve be involved with the some pretty small attachments. You probably should persevere with the ‘come here big boy’ even though you may get ‘ouch, that’s beginning to chafe’ and then train those to keep you ‘on the boil’ so you don’t suffer the chafe.
Comment by AussieGil — November 17, 2006 @ 3:36 pm
Is it the same in English for you? I find that in my second language, I am a bit of a different person so I do and say things that maybe I wouldn’t necessarily feel comfortable with in English. Talking dirty definitely is something I do not like in English but in French it is much easier. I find that when I am having an argument and am really angry, I like to speak French. Maybe its because I am not totally bilingual- I don’t quite take in the full meaning of what I am saying. Its like hearing French kids shouting Fuck on the playground and you know that they don’t quite get how bad that is, but it still makes me flinch.
Comment by Nicole — November 17, 2006 @ 3:47 pm
I must admit that I sometimes type random things into Google to see what comes up.
It started when I wanted to find out more about Compulsory Basic Training for UK motorcycle licensing. I typed CBT into Google and was introduced to the world of Cock and Ball Torture.
Since then I have learned that even the most random sequence of words has a meaning for someone.
Comment by Damian — November 17, 2006 @ 4:16 pm
Damian,
You really made me laugh! Thanks x
Comment by Welsh Cake — November 17, 2006 @ 4:38 pm
so… what is it exactly you can not feel and have to ask if it is in yet ?
Comment by anbl — November 17, 2006 @ 4:50 pm
That is actually a quote from “Shortbus”, I hasten to add.
Comment by petite — November 17, 2006 @ 4:55 pm
Sometimes I have to read things twice on this blog just to make sure….”is it in yet?” No, surely not!! I have to disagree with Iain “Come here big boy” is far more useful.
Comment by Lucy — November 17, 2006 @ 5:00 pm
Google is also good for a general diagnosis of medical problems. A recent blind test found that it was at least as good as many medical practitioners.
Petite you seem to be a bit obsessed with ,er, quasi sexual matters lately. There are other matters of interest to your devoted readers.
Regards,
David.
Comment by David — November 17, 2006 @ 5:19 pm
Ah, the mysteries of the Google search. In a moment of boredom the “how do visitors come to my site” is always a hoot.
Those searching for porn must always be sorely disappointed to find my blog. Tee hee.
Comment by BlondebutBright — November 17, 2006 @ 5:35 pm
Speaking from a male perspective, I wouldn’t want to hear any of those phrases. While “come here big boy” is far more complimentary than “is it in yet,” it still seems a bit cliché. I have no comment for “ouch, that’s starting to chafe” other than it disappoints me that there are so many guys out there who still don’t understand how to get it right. Some of the stories I hear from my single girl friends would make you curl up in a ball and whimper.
Comment by Adam — November 17, 2006 @ 5:44 pm
obsessed? moi? On the contrary, I think the balance reflects my life: dating/motherhood and soul searching in pretty equal measures. I can’t write about writing, that would be boring.
Comment by petite — November 17, 2006 @ 6:02 pm
Hehe great post :)
Frankly I feel sorry for the poor bugger who keeps typing “misty windscreen problem” into Google and getting my site. That guy is going to be so late for work by the time he finds a site that will actually tell him how to do basic car maintenance.
Mind you, I think whoever searched “download afterlunch gay movie” and “photo of a fat man eating burger” pretty much deserve what they get (although I can’t imagine how they found my site, unless Google picked out individual words from different posts or something)!
Slighly less fun was the bloke who hacked into my site (presumably after finding it on Google) and changed the index page this afternoon.
Comment by Ignorminious — November 17, 2006 @ 6:48 pm
I think you’ve got the balance just right, Petite, I love your sense of humour.
Comment by Susannah — November 17, 2006 @ 7:13 pm
Mine today have been quite sedate; billygean, billygean.co.uk, tarantula, ballet blog and online reading enid blyton novels!
Ones to note would be “sister’s erect nipples”, “photos of my neighbour naked”, and, the one I blogged about “dogs hair wet, tangled, leaking from somewhere.”
BG
Comment by Billygean — November 17, 2006 @ 7:40 pm
This is all new to me. What happens exactly, is it that you can see from your blog what people typed in to google to get to your blog?
P.S. Sorry to be pedantic but the inverted commas on my last post seem to be the wrong way around, Petite.
Comment by Lucy — November 17, 2006 @ 8:37 pm
You guys get found by considerably more interesting search terms than I do. High among mine are, “clanging” & “frozen beer” & “SNAFU/FUBAR”, and oddly enough, “Sophmom” and “Dotcalm”. Who would’a thunk it? This week, though, somebody did come to me by way of searching “video clip of Emmitt dancing ride sally ride”.
Comment by Sophmom — November 17, 2006 @ 9:02 pm
I took jonathan’s recommendation to visit here. This was a great post. Those relationship queries do trigger some sadness.
Comment by celebrate woo-woo — November 17, 2006 @ 9:10 pm
~being the sort of person who is more likely to say “is it in yet?” or “ouch, that’s starting to chafe” than “come here big boy”~
How much do I laugh at the truth of this? I think one of the more embarrassing features of Google, when using public computers or just checking your email when at a friend or acquaintance’s home, is finding out what other people in close proximity to you have looked up. Far, far too much information.
Comment by ambika — November 17, 2006 @ 9:43 pm
– Is it in yet?
– No, hold on just about
– Is it in yet?
– Wait!
– Is it in yet?
– Have you got any tissues?
Comment by Trevor — November 17, 2006 @ 10:12 pm
I seem to have the market for bearsex.com.
Um.
Comment by Lady Miss Marquise — November 18, 2006 @ 1:55 am
It’s nice to get another mention.
Comment by backroads — November 18, 2006 @ 8:18 am
now this is a crap entry ..for real… ( cheap & stupid))
Comment by simon — November 18, 2006 @ 11:32 am
why thank you Simon, charmed I’m sure.
Comment by petite — November 18, 2006 @ 12:16 pm
Into every life there falls a ………..Simon.
Comment by AussieGil — November 18, 2006 @ 12:31 pm
I wrote a post on “Ladies who lunch” and it gets lots of hits for “Rude Ladies”.
Comment by Sedulia — November 18, 2006 @ 2:07 pm
My other website gets loads of referrals for ‘hardcore monkey fisting’ from Google (mainly) but also from search engines like Yahoo, Alltheweb etc and portals like the BBC.
Fortunately, it was set up to provide content for the large worldwide community of hardcore monkey fisting enthusiasts, so I’m pretty pleased with that.
Comment by JonnyB — November 18, 2006 @ 2:58 pm
I just love your blog! You make me laugh :-)
Comment by Karina — November 18, 2006 @ 5:10 pm
Oh I love that site JonnyB … I had know idea you had a hand in it.
Comment by andre — November 18, 2006 @ 7:54 pm
Yeah, referral logs are screwed up. I’d like to say I have poignancy in mine, but the closest was this time a guy found my site by googling for tech support on the same-model laptop that I destroyed with a broadsword on my site.
Other search strings include: (note I’ve censored them – not because I give a damn, but because you fellows might.)
“?intitle index.of? index of / index of / f*** zip”
“corset jokes”
“hermione pulled down panties”
“mentally invincible”
“s&m&m”
“thick mushroom head cocks” (note: I didn’t censor the last word because I assume he was talking about chickens. Mushroom head chickens? Oh, how zany.)
I guess I’m kind of shocked. I have no idea how most of this is relevant to my site (I don’t have a f***.zip anywhere on my server.)
Comment by Kerin — November 18, 2006 @ 7:58 pm
You know, now that you’ve written that in your blog, anytime somebody searches Google for “how to talk dirty in French” they’ll get you. Perhaps I’ll do the something similar. e.g. “how to talk dirty in Scots”
Food for thought.
What DID you do when Tadpole swallowed a pebble?
Comment by Peggy — November 18, 2006 @ 8:35 pm
I spent many a week searching through her stools, but to no avail, she either digested it, or it slipped through the, er, net
It’s not a memory I cherish.
Comment by petite — November 18, 2006 @ 8:49 pm
What’s with the urine/pooh stories? Will this happen to me when I have children?! Will I share stories of urine puddles and pooh?! It’s like a urine/pooh cult…parents these days. AGGHHH!!!
:0l
Comment by Mlle Smith — November 18, 2006 @ 9:16 pm
I’d be afraid if I was a donkey in Lahore …
http://google.com/trends?q=donkey+sex&ctab=0&geo=all&date=all
Comment by adrian — November 18, 2006 @ 9:24 pm
:o)
Comment by simon — November 18, 2006 @ 11:05 pm
Searching for hardcore monkey fisting is how Yaxlich found JonnyB.
Either that or a link from here.
One of the two.
He can’t remember.
Darn that Kronenbourg.
Comment by Yaxlich — November 19, 2006 @ 4:16 am
Re comment from Mlle Smith at # 36………..
Bodily functions and all therein are very important when you have young children………..
It comes with the territory – so yes you too will succumb one day no doubt!
Sally
Comment by Sally Lomax — November 19, 2006 @ 9:26 am
So what do you say? ;o)
Comment by .t — November 19, 2006 @ 9:55 am
hello petite
i can’t really comment on the google search bits as i’m not sure how that works. (i have a blog, but i don’t think anyone can access it from google ? )just wanted to say that i’ve been reading your blog for a while, since it was recommended to me by an English friend living in New York (either the world is a small place, or your blog is hugely famous ;) ). She felt we had a lot in common – i am also an english girl, who also lived in, loved and loved in paris, have children whose father is french, am separated, love writing,have a blog and a fantastic book contract … oops no , made the last bit up – i don’t have a book contract and that’s why i’m so jealous!
Comment by diamond — November 19, 2006 @ 1:24 pm
Some of my fvourite recent referrals.
“Jade Goody Curriculum Vitae”
“Wanking makes you smell”
“I have bandy legs am I disabled?”
Truly, my site has become the wikipedia for freaks.
Comment by Mr Angry — November 19, 2006 @ 2:44 pm
Well, if after the time you have spent in France you do not know how to talk dirty in french, despite your charm this indicates serious troubles with your ears, I guess you should consult rapidly… :)
Comment by Negrito — November 19, 2006 @ 4:08 pm
…but you never know in exactly what way you’ll come up in the searchbar by accident?… :-)
Comment by fjl — November 19, 2006 @ 5:37 pm
Armenians are very hairy
Comment by Trevor — November 19, 2006 @ 5:44 pm
Goodness me, Petite. Asking, “Is it in yet?”, isn’t that the ultimate insult to the male ego? Or do you mean, it is so long so I am not sure it if it is all the way in? lol
Comment by emma — November 19, 2006 @ 10:13 pm
Sadly, as little as I like Shane Warne and would never contemplate having a threesome with him… unless maybe the other guy was someone attractive and Shane just watched.. er… anyway, “shane warne threesome” remains the most popular google search for my blog.
Comment by miss tickle — November 20, 2006 @ 1:28 am
Great blog, have only just started reading after all the press interest. By the way, I always found talking dirty in French seemed to roll off the tongue (no double entendre intended) an awful lot easier when I had downed a kir cassis or two! I also had very good tuition from several lovely French officiers from St Cyr.
Comment by lasaucisse — November 20, 2006 @ 12:49 pm
“Snarf!”
Definition:
How to turn a dirty snigger in to a laugh so ones colleagues don’t guess that I’m reading you again.
Is it in yet?
ROTFLMAO!
TT.
Comment by TryingTimes — November 20, 2006 @ 1:33 pm
Sounds like a blog entry that would get lots of hits…”How to Cuss or Talk Dirty in French.”
I rather enjoy the topics you post about, petite. I agree–it would be boring to read about writing. The fact that you write just about everything is what makes your blog a hit. One never knows what one will find when you open the page.
I used to teach school a number of years ago. A 10 year old boy decided to swallow an American quarter on a dare. He didn’t have any ill effects, so surely a pebble will be ok.
Elle
Comment by elle — November 20, 2006 @ 2:27 pm
“is it in yet?” or “ouch, that’s starting to chafe”
Ha. My kind of girl.
Comment by Clare — November 20, 2006 @ 2:59 pm
That stapler of death reference is driving me mad now. Was it your blog I read something about staplers on recently?
Better use search function…
Comment by Clare — November 20, 2006 @ 3:03 pm
Google referrals to my site include: dental abcess; stupid nhs dentistry; and of course petite anglaise.
referrals to my gallery include such things as: sex show; pisses; and monkey spanking!
Comment by Hywel Mallett — November 20, 2006 @ 3:39 pm
“ouch, that’s starting to chafe”…
Why does that conjure memories of actors such as Lesley Phillips, or Peter Sellers ?
Comment by Jonathan — November 20, 2006 @ 7:26 pm
Thank you author of comment 33, for they very, er, graphic mental images. Thanks to you I am never going to see a mushroom the same way again.
Comment by Whisper — November 20, 2006 @ 7:53 pm