The conversation is stilted, maladroit. We blunder around in ever decreasing circles, searching, in vain, for our habitual articulacy. So many words hanging in the air uselessly, devoid of actual meaning.
This sorry state of affairs is my own fault.
The previous night I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that 2 G&T’s + gmail chat + petite do not comfortable bedfellows make. And now I hide behind my hair bashfully. Afraid my eyes will mutely implore something, against my wishes, when all I want is to keep a few precious fragments of my dignity intact.
Granted, something had to give, sooner or later. We both agree that the transition from banter to bedroom has become more awkward, more contrived, with the passage of time. An unnatural transaction.
But my laborious preparations, the nail varnish, moisturiser and depilatory cream, bore witness to the fact that I had still hoped for something, tonight. Something which was not forthcoming.
I bolt the front door behind him, with an audible sigh I pray he doesn’t hear. Tell myself I should be relieved to put an end to all that ambiguity; the gnawing, insidious incertitude.
And yet I can’t help wishing I could just rewind the clock to the previous night. And pour myself an orange juice instead.
about
books
press
fbk
petite anglaise 
Your writing is so beautiful and descriptive, whisking me back to previous mistakes of my own when I wished the vodka bottle had a childproof (or drunkenwomanproof) cap. As you say your ‘habitual articulacy’ I trust you are talking about the J from Rennes, is that the case? Strength Petite now strength. Things can only get better (insert other meaningless clichés here).
Comment by Paris Lights — June 7, 2006 @ 5:18 pm
Whoa. I was thinking of Trevor…
Hope it’s not Jim from Rennes, because I don’t think he’s deserving. But, I’m on the outside – trying to look in, so who knows?
A very raw, evocative, beautiful post.
Comment by Dina — June 7, 2006 @ 5:24 pm
Commiserations Petite. I know how that feels.
Comment by Jack Hartley — June 7, 2006 @ 5:30 pm
Oh God. All I can say to that is that I know EXACTLY how you feel…that whole thing when you suddenly face up to the fact that something which once came so naturally is now stilted. As I have said before though, you’re a bigger woman than I because you face up to these things and react accordingly. I pretend they’re not there and carry on regardless, which means I get dragged along for years hanging on to something I know is no longer what it was, my knees gathering graze after graze as I go. And here I am still, hoping it’ll come back one day.
Comment by redlady — June 7, 2006 @ 5:30 pm
I thought you meant the ‘casual’ passerby – or gigolo(!!) mentioned earlier. If so, I can’t help feeling a little relieved for you. Of, course, I know it’s none of my business but I think you deserve a much better relationship with someone less shallow who is there for you all the time – not just when he happens to be passing by for a one night stand every so often.
OK – time for me to shut up. . . .
Comment by Sablonneuse — June 7, 2006 @ 5:32 pm
I have added a link which should make things clearer.
Comment by petite — June 7, 2006 @ 5:32 pm
Yeah I figured it was the FB, but didn’t want to comment as I felt a bit intrusive and, well, uncaring to be guessing about the details of somebodies real life.
I’ve never had a fk buddy because I know I get too emotionally involved with lovers (the girl with a one track mind has a good list of rules about these things). Hope you don’t have (too many) regrets Petite..
Oh and booze gets me in loads of trouble. The thing is I never seem to learn.
Comment by hmmm — June 7, 2006 @ 5:41 pm
There are comfortable silences and there are those when the other person can hear you think: “Why don’t you go home!”
This is the time when you know things have gone stale and, yes, the bolt of lightning has simply turned into a door bolt…
Comment by Cream — June 7, 2006 @ 6:00 pm
Well, that’s why you should only drink with friends around. To take the phone away from you when you get the Drunken Dialies, and to keep you away from the computer when you get the…ummmm…whatever the digital equivalent is.
And no, having the TV on when you drink doesn’t qualify as friends. Much as like Rachel, Chandler and the rest of the Friends bunch, they are not my real friends. I know this because if I showed up drunk at Phoebe’s place (again) she would probably call the police(again). Some friends, huh?
By the way, the “submit” icon is kinda weird. I know it’s your avatar, but when I comment, the mouse cursor looks like it’s poking you in the eye.
Comment by homeimprovementninja — June 7, 2006 @ 6:12 pm
Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt.
Comment by petite — June 7, 2006 @ 6:14 pm
Those G&Ts are a lot of fun while you’re doing them but after one too many of them… been there, and done that. (Hanging own head sheepishly.)
Comment by The Bold Soul — June 7, 2006 @ 6:36 pm
there are those things that just simply come to an end. it isn’t always a bad thing. perhaps just necessary. things have a habit of running their course and sometimes there just isn’t anything you can do about it…
Comment by misshoax — June 7, 2006 @ 6:38 pm
Petite, I admire your strength.
I wish I had that last weekend when I invited that certain guy in when we both knew nothing felt right.
Comment by dana — June 7, 2006 @ 6:51 pm
I don’t think there’s anything undignified in craving a little human warmth and comfort. Don’t be so hard on yourself!! I certainly respect you for being so honest about what you want and what you feel. It didn’t work out this time, but you’ve sounded from the start like you always knew this guy was just a stop-gap anyway. So if the thing you have together no longer works and you both know it, then maybe it’s actually a good sign: proof you’re ready for something more?
Bon courage…
Comment by Grande Anglaise — June 7, 2006 @ 8:04 pm
Petite, very human my dear.
Reminded me of my own recent folly. After months of denial, I finally mastered the courage to go through hundreds of e-mail between me and a certain suitor.
There, between the lines, was the gradual shift, from I can’t breath without you, to I’m not so crazy about you anymore. At a distance, I finally had a good laugh at myself and was able to say: right there on the 3rd of September is when I should have called it quits. After that it was just me refusing to see the obvious. But oh well, cosi fan tutte.
Comment by Cosi Fan Tutte — June 7, 2006 @ 9:11 pm
nothng worse than the craving – the craving is enough to kill any man (and any man’s sister). Would you now in your present situation by any chance Petite Anglaise be craving for a little human warmth and comfort, as the lady just said? Would you? A bit of human human warmth, comfort and craving now that the summer is upon us.
Comment by Trevor — June 7, 2006 @ 9:22 pm
really impressed by your writing, petite – been reading for a while now. And strangely comforting to see the things I’m feeling about the (ex) man in my life aren’t totally exclusive to my lil’ world. Its impossible to ‘gee yourself’ up on demand – but not sure my coping mechanism of G&T, radio 4 online and my duvet is anything I can recommend around…
Comment by Sas — June 7, 2006 @ 10:22 pm
OK things are clearer now, sorry – next time I’ll read more carefully! I think Grande has a point, as long as you’re clear yourself about the situation it shouldn’t cause you pain. You know in your heart if you’re involved or not.
Comment by Paris Lights — June 7, 2006 @ 10:34 pm
Trevor, what are you getting at? Just WHO’S human warmth, comfort, and craving do you have in mind?
(Just curious…)
Comment by Noire Dire — June 7, 2006 @ 11:59 pm
Errr…I mean WHOSE. :0l
Comment by Noire Dire — June 8, 2006 @ 12:00 am
Just as long as you didn’t hit the gin ;-)
Jake used to chase them off in my case, that’s when it used to get like that. You’re lucky you have a girl, the boys chase them off.
Comment by fjl — June 8, 2006 @ 12:31 am
Regretful e-chat after only 2 G&T’s?! You lightweight. You have obviously lost your english roots! I die most Saturday nights when I review the “hilarious” and “flirty” text messages that I sent after 2 (ahem) bottles of wine most friday nights.
I can relate all too well.
Not cool!
Comment by Jamila — June 8, 2006 @ 5:24 am
Oh, I’m definitely a lightweight. Been here too long, and single motherhood doesn’t leave me a million opportunities to work on my stamina.
(I would like to point out at this juncture that I do not make a habit often of drinking alone – although recent posts might suggest I do!)
Comment by petite — June 8, 2006 @ 8:55 am
yes, but how do you handle the craving when it gets the better of you?
Comment by Trevor — June 8, 2006 @ 9:57 am
Yes, I understant i must trening my english!!!
Good day!!
Yannick
Comment by guigue — June 8, 2006 @ 11:48 am
When did Trevor turn into KD Lang?
Comment by hmmm — June 8, 2006 @ 12:14 pm
hmmm,
the craving, the incessant craving
(for things unmentionable)
Comment by Trevor — June 8, 2006 @ 12:37 pm
trevor,
the craving for…pickled eggs.
We must never talk of this again. petite, I suggest blocking Trevors comments forthwith.
Comment by hmmm — June 8, 2006 @ 12:49 pm
he, um, does seem to have lost it a bit of late. I will be vetting what he says very carefully, as my mum was offended at the c word the other day…
Comment by petite — June 8, 2006 @ 1:04 pm
Oh yes the c word, I see. That’s what was upsetting her, was it? Well I was but making an effort – however miserable – to climb up the social ladder and out of the irish bog wherein I wallow, and become a fully-fledged English chav. I was just aping the social airs and graces of the English, that’s all.
But while I’m here I’d like to point out that there are many other dirty words lying around on these pages, words that would certainly upset my own mother if she only understood what they meant. And upset isn’t the word!
Go ahead and vet my comments then…
Comment by Trevor — June 8, 2006 @ 1:44 pm
Yeah…what was that all about?! (the c-word, that is…)
Silly me…the online element totally went over my head; I thought all of this took place face to face.
Comment by Noire Dire — June 8, 2006 @ 2:15 pm
I know. His continued talk of Carol (Vorderman) is frankly disgusting. I assume her reasonably priced loans and bewitching way with numbers is what Trevor is craving.
Comment by hmmm — June 8, 2006 @ 2:43 pm
Ah, the devil drink! Many, many years ago, after an evening of drowning my failed relationship-provoked sorrows in too much wine, I dialed a coworker’s number to proposition him. Thank God he was not home, and thank God I had enough sense not to leave a message on his answering machine. Next morning’s hangover was made even worse as I lived, in my imagination, the toe-curling embarrassment I’d have caused myself if he’d been there to answer the phone. Since then I have never, ever acted on an inebrated impulse. (And actually, I’ve on the whole avoided inebriation having found that hangovers quickly lose their charm.)
Lâche que je suis, I won’t post under my usual persona!
Comment by Incognita — June 8, 2006 @ 5:16 pm
you dirty thing!
Comment by Trevor — June 8, 2006 @ 5:36 pm
Pot calling the kettle black there, Trev. You’re the one that would like the first O dropped from the Countdown title.
Comment by hmmm — June 8, 2006 @ 6:02 pm
Hmmm: LMAO!!!
Comment by Dina — June 8, 2006 @ 10:11 pm
go on and make fun of me, now that that my comments are to be vetted and I’m been gob-smacked or ball-gagged or what ever it’s called, just for using hte c-word.
Comment by Trevor — June 8, 2006 @ 10:34 pm
I LOVE Trevor, he makes me laugh……, please don’t gag him
Comment by suze — June 9, 2006 @ 12:07 am
aw crap.
Comment by maitresse — June 9, 2006 @ 12:15 am
I like Trevor too. I really do. I don’t understand everything, but I go through the comments quickly to find his. Why is that? I wonder.
I need a few classes in British language. I feel I miss all the fun sometimes.
Comment by Lola — June 9, 2006 @ 5:21 am
articulacy?
Comment by DO — June 9, 2006 @ 8:56 am
Does ‘the guy’ have a catepillar?
I like Trevor too! He is like a sub-system within Petite’s ecosystem. :-)
Hugs Trevor. And Hugs to PA too! (it is her blog afterall!)
Comment by ellie — June 9, 2006 @ 9:22 am
what is this dreaded “c” word?
Comment by Kirsty — June 9, 2006 @ 10:00 am
funny, but some of us are actually incessantly craving for Trevor…:-)
Comment by alcessa — June 9, 2006 @ 10:41 am
There is nothing worse than a love affair that has past its sell-by-date, and how terrible it is to look at someone and wonder ‘How could I have….?’
It’s enough to turn a person celibate
Is it me, am I dim, or is Trevor making a move on Petite?
Comment by Julia — June 9, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
well, if he is, it ain’t going to work!
Comment by petite — June 9, 2006 @ 1:14 pm
If this is Trevors seduction technique then he has much to learn about women.
….
….
….
(hmmm reads through the previous 8 comments and realises she is wrong. Trevor is a love god).
Comment by hmmm — June 9, 2006 @ 1:33 pm
It would be cute! Trevor & PA have a cute back and forth banter…
Comment by Dina — June 9, 2006 @ 2:17 pm
Oi! Quit matchmaking! Just let me lick my wounds – actually more like a little graze – in peace!
Comment by petite — June 9, 2006 @ 3:11 pm
Well if he’s Irish he must be cute.
Comment by Past Tense — June 9, 2006 @ 3:13 pm
If my memory serves me correctly, petite and trevor have actually met up before?
Comment by suze — June 9, 2006 @ 3:53 pm
count me in with the Trevor-PA fan club! ;-)
Comment by swann — June 9, 2006 @ 4:10 pm
I have always enjoyed the uniqueness of my name. My father, who wanted to name me after a bloomin hobbit, was unable to spell Meriadoc, when he turned up drunk at the registry office. Thank God for that. Funny thing though… I keep wanting people to call me Trevor lately….
Comment by meredic — June 9, 2006 @ 5:03 pm
I am Trevor, too.
Comment by Pipp — June 9, 2006 @ 5:51 pm
Meredic – that’s very cool! I got named after the whining youngest child in Little Women (surprisingly my name isn’t really Hmmm).
But enough of this praising of Trevor…Trevor bashing is much more fun.
Comment by hmmm — June 9, 2006 @ 6:13 pm
Suze, yep, they have…
PA, you can graze, but there’s nothing wrong with doing a little grazing in unison, non? I think Trevor beats the Meetic caterpillars, hands down.
He’s a bit of a nut…cute, but nutty. lol
Comment by Dina — June 9, 2006 @ 6:13 pm
For all you know, Trevor could be my own invention.
Comment by petite — June 9, 2006 @ 6:21 pm
What like in Fight Club? Look girls I think we’re all getting a bit carried away here now, Trevor may be a very nice chap, but Brad Pitt he ain’t.
PA – if Trevor is your own invention I would have to say you were one sick puppy indeed… In the nicest possible way of course.
Comment by hmmm — June 9, 2006 @ 6:32 pm
If he’s your own invention, I say, Brilliance. If not, I can only hope that Trevor will consider his own blog (past comments notwithstanding, Trev.) There’s the making of a great inter-web confabulation here…
Comment by eric — June 9, 2006 @ 6:41 pm
hmmm. How do you know he ain’t no Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt does nowt for me anyway.
Comment by suze — June 9, 2006 @ 7:02 pm
Now that you mention it…I can’t say that I hadn’t wondered before if Trevor wasn’t your invention, Petite. Something about the way he “talks”. ;)
Comment by Pumpkin — June 9, 2006 @ 7:37 pm
Trevor is…intriguing. Never mind Meredic, how many people on this planet have the honour of bearing the name Trevor??? School must have been a dire place, Trev.
Got it! It’s a pseudo! :) Must be; too cruel to contemplate otherwise!
I too look for Trev’s comments when I first arrive in here…
Comment by Lucy-Jane — June 9, 2006 @ 8:26 pm
Homeimprovementninja: love this eye, having it in my links bar makes my day!
Funny that this fight club thing comes up now, I had a feeling for some time now that it might be the case.
These two are too perfectly matched!
Comment by Thomas — June 9, 2006 @ 9:20 pm
You’re a funny lot!
Comment by Trevor — June 9, 2006 @ 10:13 pm
Sillies – Trevor is the nom de plume of J in R.
Comment by CFA — June 9, 2006 @ 10:43 pm
Thirteen drafts?!?!???!
Get it out, woman!!!!!
Comment by JonnyB — June 9, 2006 @ 11:38 pm
…ahhhh, PA, being coy are we?
Crikey, with the sexual tension between you and your invention seeping through the blogosphere…you should have that patented, really.
Comment by Noire Dire — June 10, 2006 @ 12:22 am
maybe it is a Petite invention, but no matter; I like Trevor, too.
Comment by Alessandra — June 10, 2006 @ 3:06 am
Trevor did go awfully quiet. Perhaps all the attention scared him off. Who would have thought: he’s a bashful thing!?
Comment by ellie — June 10, 2006 @ 9:46 am
I think maybe I’ll just take a break and you lot can just create a Trevor fan club.
Don’t forget to close the door when you leave.
Comment by petite — June 10, 2006 @ 10:41 am
Feeling upstaged, are we? Good heavens!
She’s beginning to sound like my own poor mother, a matter which arouses me all the more.
“Don’t worry about me, all I do is put food on the table, and then I have to clean up after the lot of you”.
Comment by Trevor — June 10, 2006 @ 10:58 am
Sorry, I am still a bit green…
Comment by Très Vert — June 10, 2006 @ 12:18 pm
hmmmmmmmmm. Gmail chat, eh? somehow, it just doesn’t beat the real thing.
Comment by Lost in France — June 10, 2006 @ 5:43 pm
That settles it, Trevor has finally declared his heightened Oedipal state of arousal…
PA, for the love of God, quit the bashful “nudge, nudge/wink winks” and treat the poor chap to a mean game of tonsil hockey.
Comment by Noire Dire — June 10, 2006 @ 8:44 pm
I agree, that is all I can say, is I agree!
I want to see a picture of Trevor, yeah, I vote for a picture or at least a description of trevor, in all good books they have a description of _______, hmmm..how shall we describe him…. someone help me fill in the blanks….
petite, I always adore you, but I do find myself scanning for the banter between you and trevor:)
*poke*
Comment by kim — June 11, 2006 @ 8:21 pm
No way Trevor is Jim in Rennes??!!! Although possibly way…though that would be weird. Why choose the pseudonym Trevor when then are many other great names such as Raymundo out there.
And sorry for saying that Trevor may not be as good looking as Brad Pitt. I take it back. I just walked past Orlando Bloom (I subtly try to drop this into the comment, when in reality I nearly peeed myself with excitement). For all I know it could have been “Trevor”.
Comment by hmmm — June 12, 2006 @ 11:45 am
And apparently the name Trevor means “homestead”…ahhhhh that’s why he loves his mammy so much.
Comment by hmmm — June 12, 2006 @ 11:47 am
not really connected to the post….
I live in Japan and was sitting down for a nice spot of soup curry (pnly in Japan) and reading (well actually just gazing as I can’t read Japanese) the newest issue of Japan Elle and I swear that there was a picture of you in the pages. Actually it was tadpole that I though I recognized…..do spill…..is it you….couldn’t confirm as it is all mumbo jumbo to me.
Comment by Roober — June 12, 2006 @ 12:14 pm
This is a great site:
“The boy’s name Trevor is pronounced TREV-er. It is of Welsh origin, and its meaning is “great settlement.” Used outside of Wales in the Victorian era.”
Sorry for the ‘hors sujet’, Petite; couldn’t resist it! ;)
Comment by Lucy-Jane — June 12, 2006 @ 8:41 pm