petite anglaise

January 6, 2006

the road to hell

Filed under: misc — bipolarinparis @ 12:10 pm

In no particular order: a collection of good, if futile, intentions for 2006.

  • Will try not to eat all of Tadpole’s Christmas (white) chocolate, as well as my own. Or at least not to eat the Cadbury’s buttons by the handfull. Unless no-one’s watching.
  • Will attempt to do some exercise, if only to get back that off-limits section of the wardrobe where everything is filed under “pre-Tadpole” (and yes, I know that was a long time ago…)
  • Will not lapse into horrible yo-yo dieting and bulemia, in so doing.
  • Will strive to get my “five portions” a day. Every day. (Note to self: may need to purchase Viagra on internet.)
  • Will work hard at increasing my feeble alchohol tolerance levels. The only way is up.
  • Will endeavour to potty train Tadpole, who is precocious in many ways, but strangely reluctant to leave nappies behind.
  • Will attempt to refrain from answering the call of nature in baths, swimming pools, and indeed any body of water.
  • Will erase the words “yeah”, “oh my god!” and “bugger!” from my vocabulary because these words simply sound wrong on the innocent lips of my daughter.
  • Will post on the blog more often, but only if have something worth saying.
  • Will write saucy anonymous sex blog with lots of steamy action and live off the advertising revenue.
  • Will endeavour to persuade Lover to de-clutter his apartment before the advent of the Parisians, in July…
  • … without throwing too many things away that he actually needs/wants/can’t live without, causing irreparable harm to blossoming relationship.
  • Will try to prevent self from singing the words “I would like to tender my resignation”…
  • … or dancing a celebratory dance around the office.
  • Will attempt to stay in touch with my far-flung friends more often – although quite frankly would be hard pushed to get in touch less often.
  • Will try to get back behind the wheel after 14 year hiatus without causing injury to fellow travellers on the roads of Britanny.
  • Will find a way to stop computer sounding like an industrial hairdryer. Tadpole at Christmas, when mother switched on very noisy hoover to remove Christmas tree needles from carpet: “It’s a computer!”
  • Win something. The loto, ideally, although a bloggie would be nice. Nominations are accepted from now until 20 January – petite could conceivably feature in the European category, perhaps?

49 Comments

  1. Tadpole at Christmas, when mother switched on very noisy hoover to remove Christmas tree needles from carpet: “It’s a computer!”

    Excellent! A killer line to start off this New Year of blogging :-)

    Comment by Iain — January 6, 2006 @ 12:17 pm

  2. I love the one about increasing alcohol tolerance levels. Potentially the most achievable, I’d guess – although it might conflict a little with the exercise/off-limits section of the wardrobe. Maybe you should change that one to ‘will get rid of all clothes in off-limits section of wardrobe, and buy only gorgeous good-quality clothes to replace them’?

    Comment by Zinnia Cyclamen — January 6, 2006 @ 12:24 pm

  3. Worthy goals all. Best of luck, and a very happy new year to you.

    I once had a computer at work that would occasionally sound exactly as though it had a gerbil wheel being energetically used.

    Comment by John B. — January 6, 2006 @ 12:33 pm

  4. I have no childraising experience whatsoever, but I know my mom had a hard time potty-training me. I am a bit stubborn when I want to be. Her solution? Giving me a single m&m every time I used the big-girl toilet.

    Not only was I already stubborn, but my stomach was already making many of my decisions!

    Comment by kim — January 6, 2006 @ 1:17 pm

  5. I don’t know how old Tadpole is but Leon wasn’t out of nappies until the summer before he had to start school, he was almost 3 by then.His birthday is in November so he was quite young for his class and wasn’t out of the nappies until the August before starting school in September. Just in time,thankfully, as the school didn’t accept children who were still in nappies.

    My solution was two weeks with his granny in Dorset, who sorted this out perfectly!

    Happy 2006, and hope all your plans go well.

    Comment by P in France — January 6, 2006 @ 2:06 pm

  6. Hello Petite and very happy new year to you and yours!

    two things: play euromillion today, 86 million to be one (don’t forget to give me a percentage of course if you do win) and then you can do a copy of that fabulous advert here for the lottery, you know, the one where the man dresses as a chicken, goes into his office and sings “au revoir Monsieur le President” to an entire boardroom of executives…

    and lastly, a potty training handy hint/experience share: show tadpole what you do in the toilet (gross I know, but hopefully it will remain between you and her), explain what you expect of her, leave the potty lying around and tadpole bare bummed and once she has done something in it of her own free will set a date for “no more nappies” and go for it (summer is best for obvious reasons, also wooden or tiled floors are best but hey, if you’ve got carpet just tell yourself that you rent and you won’t live there forever).

    My daughter was potty trained in three days like that but the rule is, once the nappies are off no putting them back on again even if you want to go out and it’s not practical! if it doesn’t work after a week, put the nappies back on and wait a few weeks before trying again. You can also buy her some knickers with her favourite cartoon characters on them, great motivation if she doesn’t want to pee on her heros…

    Comment by croque madame — January 6, 2006 @ 2:09 pm

  7. There’s something ‘naughty’ about swimming and peeing.

    I vote for keeping it. ;-)

    Comment by greavsie — January 6, 2006 @ 2:34 pm

  8. Until now, I thought not having a bath in my flat was a bad thing.

    Comment by Jim in Rennes — January 6, 2006 @ 2:40 pm

  9. Tadpole is obviously reluctant to leave her nappies because she’s seen her mum leave a yellow wake behind her at the swimming baths.

    Comment by Parkin Pig — January 6, 2006 @ 2:57 pm

  10. Peeing in the bath… I though that was what the bidet was for?

    Comment by Cat — January 6, 2006 @ 3:06 pm

  11. Viagara for what? Vegetables? I don’t get it.

    Sorry. Maybe it’s just the thought of you peeing yellow streams while swimming lazily in the pool that’s clouding my perception.

    Bugger. (Did I use that correctly?)

    Anyway, to get the 5 a day, I recommend instead going for some sort of cheese sauce. Or lardons. Those make everything better. Or chocolate sauce if you are considering fruit as one of the 5. Nutella on a banana is almost as good as a banana split.

    Comment by Ronica — January 6, 2006 @ 3:18 pm

  12. Chocolate is a VEGETABLE Ronica (it’s true it’s been proved by someone very intelligent) so that counts in the 5 a day I think !

    Comment by P in France — January 6, 2006 @ 3:35 pm

  13. 5 fruit and veg portions a day? Wine comes from grapes. 5 glasses a day and bingo. Two resolutions sorted… ;)

    Comment by Sue — January 6, 2006 @ 3:53 pm

  14. Who said anything about five portions of fruit and veg? I was thinking more along the lines of meat and two veg. Hence the viagra…

    Comment by petite — January 6, 2006 @ 4:05 pm

  15. Ooh-er Petite. Bit saucy. I think you’d better go home early today: your mind definitely isn’t on your work.

    Comment by Mancunian lass — January 6, 2006 @ 4:26 pm

  16. Thanks for sorting out the viagra comment. I was a bit confused. 5 times a day is high even for my hyper-sexual tastes. Although last night brought three times in an hour and a half. . .

    Good luck with these–all very good if you can keep them.

    Comment by Leslie — January 6, 2006 @ 4:40 pm

  17. I agree that ‘Oh My God’ coming out of a two year olds mouth sounds strange. Not quite as amusing as when we heard my daughter tell her older brother to ‘Stop Your Whinging Boy’ – can’t imagine who she got that from.

    Comment by US — January 6, 2006 @ 4:46 pm

  18. Thanks for that snippet, Leslie…

    Comment by Mancunian lass — January 6, 2006 @ 4:54 pm

  19. Were you channeling the spirit of Bridget Jones when you wrote that? (OK I know she’s fictional.) I could hear Renee Zellweger’s voice reading your list in my head… and maybe it’s wrong of me but I’d enjoy hearing your daughter saying “bugger!” Feel free to post a recording on the blog! And a Happy New Year to all!

    Comment by The Bold Soul — January 6, 2006 @ 6:34 pm

  20. I seem to remember that my child-rearing book advised that potty-training should not be attempted before 2 years of age and that the optimum time was between two-and-a-quarter and two-and-three-quarter years of age and ideally, in the summer months. Worked for me – as they said: if your child is developmentally ready, that’s the right time and not too stressful for parent or child.

    Comment by Ruth — January 6, 2006 @ 8:28 pm

  21. Yep, I am encountering similar resistance to leave nappies behind in my little Natasha (3 in June 06). Nothing seems to work, not even the sight of “pretty big girl panties” I bought for her or the promise of chocolate….sigh….I tried the chocolate and she sat for a while then promptly stood up and said, “Mummy I need chocolate now” to which I replied, “But the potty is empty, there’s nothing in it. Why do you need chocolate?” so she said, “Because my bottom doesn’t work anymore”…She always finds a way to get out of it. I never seemed to have this issue with her 4 other half-siblings!? :(

    I liked the list! And funnily enough I got the viagra innuendo no problem! Hehe! I remember those days…

    Comment by Kiora — January 6, 2006 @ 9:23 pm

  22. maybe you need to lash out on new cooling fan for the pc? New Year regards from New Zealand. Keep up your wonderful blog style, you have my vote for sure:)

    Comment by edt — January 6, 2006 @ 9:49 pm

  23. You’ve a hell of a lot of resolutions there. I thought I was doing well with one.

    Comment by Bourgeois Wife — January 6, 2006 @ 10:47 pm

  24. My ma finally took my dummie from me when I was 7 years old. She took it from me and threw it in the bin. I remember it like it was yesterday (Im 27 now) It scard me for life ;-0

    Comment by Kels — January 6, 2006 @ 11:12 pm

  25. …. Also, when she was trying to potty train me, she’d sit me on the potty and whenever I did my business, she would give me a sweet and do the wee-wee dance :-)

    Comment by Kels — January 6, 2006 @ 11:16 pm

  26. I love the list of intentions. Every one of them, very wittily written :-). Although, the 5 portions a day almost made me fall out of the chair with laughter. Viagra or Cialis would be the most sensible option. I work in pharma research and I always laugh at the side effects of these meds… *LOL*

    Comment by H. (aka NC_State_gal) — January 7, 2006 @ 7:33 am

  27. Hi Petite, I love your blog! I spent the better part of two days with my daughter in a potty-intensive course in our kitchen (for clean up purposes). First we showed a dolly how to pee, pull down pants, etc (you have to find one with that function obviously). Then after demonstrating, we had a choice of all her favorite beverages, chocolate milk, juice, even soda so that she would have the need. Salty snacks so she would drink. Then candy to reward her every 20 minutes or so when she would check if her pants were still dry. So the key was rewarding dry pants rather than peeing since peeing is so infrequent, talking about how pee goes in the potty and demonstrations and practice with both her and the doll.
    Sorry this is boring to most people, but it did work after a few accidents. (No scolding by the way, just make them practice, and no reward). Hope it helps! P.S> And if you write the sex blog, I’d like the link. (-:

    Comment by Amy — January 7, 2006 @ 8:45 am

  28. oops forgot…Actually start the checking for dry pants every 10 minutes in the beginning. Eventually you lengthen out the time and stop the treats and just have praise. I did this at 2 years 9 months.

    Comment by Amy — January 7, 2006 @ 8:49 am

  29. Hi Petite,
    For 2006,
    dream your dreams,
    Live your life,
    Keep keeing us up to date,
    I’m certain 2006 is going to be the best year yet for you.

    Comment by fella — January 7, 2006 @ 12:23 pm

  30. Driving in Brittany? Are you thinking of joining us out here in the sticks among the forests and farms?
    Well look out for the jogger trying to lose her post-Noel poundage (kilo-age?)
    Bonne chance avec tout!

    Comment by Morbihan Princess — January 7, 2006 @ 3:27 pm

  31. Good luck with the potty training my daughter was a nightmare. We decided that we would give up drinking for a while not a good idea. After a long week with the kids a drink on a Friday night is well deserved.

    Comment by Growing Up — January 7, 2006 @ 4:26 pm

  32. Am I the only one that’s still taken aback by 5 portions a day? Every Day!? Petite, you have this 16 year-old’s approval.

    Comment by Neptune, God of the Seas — January 7, 2006 @ 10:11 pm

  33. You know, the m&m thing worked with my daughter, too. In fact, I combined it with teaching colors, too. If she got the color right, she got the m&m. If not, I did. She caught on quickly.

    Comment by buzzgirl — January 8, 2006 @ 4:42 am

  34. You pee in the bath?! You pee in public swimming pools?! I am speechless. Truly speechless. Anyway, Happy New Year. Been reading your blog since it was a month old. As an ex Paris-based ex-pat myself you have hit the nail on the head many times. But it is the idea of you peeing in your bath water that finally compels me to post after so long. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Anyway, greetings from South West London. x

    Comment by Dave in London — January 8, 2006 @ 6:27 pm

  35. Hi,
    I just discovered your blog and I fell in love with it completely. I couldn’t stop reading and I am going to carry on all night long until I’ve finished… Lovely!
    p.s. 1.this is the fisrt time I am leaving a comment on blog and I hope I haven’t messed up. 2. I added to my favourite’s on my own blog, i hope it’s ok..

    Comment by Carra — January 9, 2006 @ 12:19 am

  36. By the way I am sorry I forgot to mention Happy New Year and best of luck with everything!

    Comment by Carra — January 9, 2006 @ 12:21 am

  37. Hi Petite! I have the same problem with my 26 month old son. Despite being such a chatterbox and knowing how to articulate his wants and needs, he seems to show no interest in being potty trained.

    Comment by Monreve — January 9, 2006 @ 2:51 am

  38. Hi Petite! Wow :=) Clever, funny, observational, fresh, frank, some would say excentric…Have just discovered you this morning. Do you fancy making your blog into a book? I’d buy it. I’m 32, English living in Lille for 7 years, so am looking forward to reading more of your blog.

    Comment by Carol — January 9, 2006 @ 10:39 am

  39. Happy New Year all!
    On potty training – feeling ultra smug cos our petit troisieme did it *all by himself* aged 17 months; ner ner ner ner ner etc! All sorts of things are easier with the second/third/etc children, Petite!
    I’m learning to drive before the summer as the two-year limit for the ‘Code’ is nearly up. Ohmygod the roads of Brittany are going to be a dangerous place – we’ll put Rennes on the world map, whaddya say? Mind you, is true that no car in Brittany is a bit of a bummer as public transport tends to be 1 bus per day round us…and it takes more than an hour to get to the city cos of all the little roads and villages instead of 20 mins by car. Hohum, silver lining and dark clouds…
    ;)

    Comment by Lucy-Jane in Rennes — January 9, 2006 @ 11:38 am

  40. Looks like nobody won the 86 million eh? rats, better luck next time…

    I too find it hard to resist peeing in the bath, the solution is to bath with your child, then you resist doing it but are safe in the knowledge that she already did. I stopped peeing in public swimming pools when someone told me that the water would turn purple due to a new chemical…have never seen it happen and think it might be a lie but when in doubt and all that…

    Comment by croque madame — January 9, 2006 @ 12:08 pm

  41. Re peeing in bath, and perhaps also on going somewhere warm in winter – kehals, that’s pelvic floor exercises to anglophones

    Comment by J — January 9, 2006 @ 3:17 pm

  42. p.s. they also intensify ‘le petit mort’!

    Comment by J — January 9, 2006 @ 3:18 pm

  43. Five times a day? I’d settle for once a week at this point, and I don’t need Viagra…………

    Comment by Dave of the Lake — January 9, 2006 @ 4:14 pm

  44. Um, please tell me which swimming pools you frequent, in France and the UK.

    Comment by RachelM — January 9, 2006 @ 9:41 pm

  45. On second thoughts, don’t bother. I don’t use any public swimming pools, and you have just reminded me why.

    Comment by RachelM — January 9, 2006 @ 9:56 pm

  46. Oh, I know about not getting in touch with friends often enough… somehow, stupidly, I expect them to be on standby and happy to pick up where we left off, five years ago… but it doesn’t work like that, does it?

    Comment by Swedish Girl — January 9, 2006 @ 10:43 pm

  47. Actually, Bloggies nominations close today… but not before I got to nominate you in the Best European category.

    Comment by mike — January 10, 2006 @ 4:47 pm

  48. Lovely blog.
    I am with you on the goal for 2006 about cadbury chocolate. I am a chocolate addict myself! :)

    Want to see a blog that is having good comments on, although is relatively new? See mine (barefaced self promotion, as you did somewhere ;)

    http://niquel757.blogspot.com

    In Spain is not appreciated because it is in English. But I feel more international, you know?

    (oh, and if you like it and link me, I´ll link you back)
    Best regards!
    Javier

    Comment by Javier Martí — January 12, 2006 @ 10:58 pm

  49. Psst… (…and shhh!)

    Comment by mike — January 15, 2006 @ 8:29 pm


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