petite anglaise

March 18, 2005

misdirected

Filed under: misc — petiteanglaise @ 12:03 pm

Am feeling exhausted today. Drained, wan and uninspired.

So I hope you will excuse me for foisting upon you a search terms post. Yes, that old lazy blogging chestnut. It is Friday after all. And I do pay sitemeter a handsome € 5 a month in order to be privy to this fascinating information, so I owe it to myself to get some mileage out of it occasionally.

To whom it may concern:

what does moi mean, in regards to drugs?
I think it means “Me, me, me, I want some, give them to ME”. I can’t think of any other possible explanation. Unless it’s an übercool new name for crystal meth. Sorry I can’t be of more assistance. Try asking metafilter. Metafilter knows everything.

suppository punishment (see also ginger suppository punishment)
Ok, so I didn’t know that ginger suppositories existed, but I do now. I fail to understand how I came to have the dubious honour of being number two on google for this search term, but I’m hoping that after today’s post, I’ll be in the coveted number 1 position.
(update: it worked!)

is the holy grail in the louvre?
Sign up for your own guided Da Vinci Code Tour here! Rates start from € 100 for an hour-long tour, in the company of petite anglaise, during which you may pay your respects to Mary, before taking in Virgin Records, Esprit, Natures et Decouvertes and Sephora.

petite porn
I hope after scrolling through twenty four pages of google results and clicking on every single result you weren’t too disappointed. I can’t decide whether to feel flattered that you chose to stay for four minutes.

how to mummify a tadpole?
???

Now it’s your turn. Make me giggle at my monitor. Please. I need all the help I can get to get through today.

25 Comments

  1. All right then.

    My recent google searches include ‘Barry from Eastenders hair’ and ‘Sven Goran Eriksonn glasses’. Not from the same person, I hope- not sure it would be such a flattering look.

    Comment by jonathan — March 18, 2005 @ 12:52 pm

  2. Oh I am inspired, even though it is Friday – could ‘moi’ in relation to drugs mean Money On Inspection? A sort of Cash On Delivery for the underworld? I regularly feature in a search for Katie Mehlua, who I hate. Which is good, actually, means she is not that popuplar he he. Somebody regularly logs on to my site by googling ‘Spot the Giraffe’ in images. That’s not very exciting is it? I kind of ran out of steam having deciphered ‘moi’.

    Comment by Claypot — March 18, 2005 @ 1:06 pm

  3. Well nothing is going to beat “Barry from eastenders hair” now is it?

    I recently got “brioche in english means”. They were probably disappointed to find out it still means brioche. Otherwise I just get french canadians who have typed “oiseau” from google.ca.

    In the non blogging world yesterday I had to keep biting my tongue in a meeting with a company who wanted to sell their services – their business is to ensure websites are highly ranked. None of our briefed website keywords are as interesting as any I’ve seen from blog writers. Maybe we should take the ‘ginger suppository punishment’ strategy.

    Comment by l'oiseau — March 18, 2005 @ 1:29 pm

  4. One day a little five year old girl excitedly approached her mother and
    announced that she had learned how you get a baby.

    The mother was amused and said, “Oh really sweetie, why don’t you tell
    me all about it?” The little girl then explained, “Well, the mummy and
    daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy’s willy stands way
    up high, and the mummy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy’s willy
    in her mouth, and then the daddy’s willy sort of explodes and makes
    sticky juice into the mummy’s mouth, and then the mummy swallows the
    sticky juice, and that’s how you get a baby.”

    The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye
    to eye and said, “Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not how you get a
    baby. That’s how you get jewellery.”

    Comment by Antipo Déesse — March 18, 2005 @ 1:32 pm

  5. Did I miss something?? Were we supposed to tell you blue jokes? *goes off looking for something suitable*

    Comment by Claypot — March 18, 2005 @ 1:38 pm

  6. A surprisingly fruitless search for blue jokes. I give you this instead:

    Blue Hair & Steering Wheels
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

    As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just
    went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

    She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

    She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

    Mildred turned to her and cried, “Oh shit! Am I driving?”

    Comment by Claypot — March 18, 2005 @ 1:44 pm

  7. Hi Petite

    You maybe amused reading this

    http://www.jacqueschirac.org

    but then again you may not…

    Froog

    Comment by Froog — March 18, 2005 @ 2:16 pm

  8. Claypot: Petite said “Make me giggle at my monitor”. Just doing my bit! We aim to please, Modom….

    Comment by Antipo Déesse — March 18, 2005 @ 2:31 pm

  9. oh good gracious! well, I did mean search terms funnies, but I realise I wasn’t specific enough so whatever.. anything goes today.

    Comment by petite — March 18, 2005 @ 2:35 pm

  10. Some of my favorite recent google results:

    – “site perso mardi gras flashing” — #6. I imagine they were disappointed, as my site only offered up that there is no flashing for mardi gras in France.

    – “descriptive essay on waitressing” — #14. Now, I did waitress (and at a 50s theme diner no less), but alas, no essay. Besides, unless you work want stories involving odd costumes, being rude to customers on purpose (because that’s what they come for), and various choreographed dance routines, I wouldn’t be of much service.

    – “who actually shot jr” — I have no idea where I rank on this search (I didn’t find myself on the first 25 pages), but apparently there are some people who REALLY want to know. Not to mention that I wasn’t even born when the series started, and really was rather young to have any interest in it. I remember my mom sitting down to watch it though, and I can hum the theme song.

    – “dancing baby electric slide” — I’m pretty sure this comes from my shame of watching Ally McBeal, but once again, I didn’t find myself in the first 25 pages. Someone really wants that dancing baby.

    – “tomgirls” — #2. I guess this is boys that wear skirts and have tea parties?

    Mostly, I get knitting or cheese searches, though.

    Comment by kim — March 18, 2005 @ 3:09 pm

  11. It wouldn’t be a blog staple if it wasn’t amusing! I must admit that even though I hate spam, some of the subject lines are funny in this same vein.

    Writer Ayun Halliday’s site has a section devoted to this:

    (scroll half way down the page)
    My favourites:
    Monkey lust café
    Monkey slap a cow
    Doberman chopping block
    Big breastfeeding boyfriends
    Breast feeding monkey in India

    See the site for her favourite.

    Comment by Nigel M. — March 18, 2005 @ 3:24 pm

  12. I was just thinking….Google whacking….what a waste of time that is…get a life people! Then….and this is absolutely true..I swear…I thought give it a try..just this once so…I put in the required Two words…. my selection Ginger and Suppository. Guess what…loads of links to your site. So a failed Google Whack…but an amusing true story.

    Comment by Colin — March 18, 2005 @ 5:14 pm

  13. today, somebody navigated to my site with “WOMAN AND MOMEN FUCKING,” in caps no less, 2 hours ago.

    I really am a trashmouth, but that’s crazy… what are momen anyways?

    Comment by nardac — March 18, 2005 @ 5:27 pm

  14. My favourites out of my March stats so far:

    * turkey twizzlers (because of the show Jamie’s School Dinners of course)
    * “picture of testicle in egg cup” Some people are twisted…
    * many variations using the words, “nipple”, “Javine” and “Eurovision”
    * “give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach” I’m offended! I’m not ready to give up yet!!
    * “email contacts of bread in canada 2005” Wow I knew email was popular, but even bread has email now?
    * “what are snowflakes?” Wow how thick are YOU?!
    * “the door is alarmed. how do you think i feel?” What? You think I care??
    * One of the repeated entries that I get every month and makes me laugh to tears “Anastacia is a man” Good to see I’m not the only one suspecting this!!!

    Oh and hell, this is so funny, I’m going to make a post out of it :D

    Comment by Vero — March 18, 2005 @ 5:37 pm

  15. “explosive diarrhea chantico”.

    If you don’t know, Starbucks has a new drinking chocolate called “Chantico”. Apparently someone must’ve gotten explosive diarrhea after drinking it and was checking to see if anyone else had too! I didn’t but my blog still came up in the search results. What’s weird is that if you google those words now, you only get one result and it’s not me – a true googlewhack. How did that happen?

    Sorry, Petite if this made you gag instead of giggle. By the way, how do you say “explosive diarrhea” in French? That might be good to know.

    Comment by ms.quilty — March 18, 2005 @ 6:04 pm

  16. “Cervical mucus porn.”

    Which I thought was pretty weird.

    Comment by alex — March 18, 2005 @ 7:01 pm

  17. On one of my personal sites, someone found it with “amelie naked phonebooth,” which I guess is at least a reasonable porn request. But I definitely don’t host anything that exciting.

    Comment by DDJ — March 19, 2005 @ 2:45 am

  18. Ooh – get get lots of strange ones. They range from the obscene:
    topless photos beach – they end up here (work safe link)
    topless backpackers lying on their backs – classy…
    f***ing on the beach – what kind of site do they think I have?

    To the odd:
    cause of asian tsunami or photos Asian tsunami
    australian farmers interwar photos
    pics of manly beach in the olden days
    funny photographs of lawn bowls – maybe understandable, see here

    To the plain bizarre:
    brush farm netball courts – ?
    lawn mowing – again, ?

    I’ve noticed that most of this misdirected traffic seems to come from Yahoo! searches. I suggest to anyone who uses Yahoo! that thy consider switching to anoter search engine.

    Comment by BHR — March 19, 2005 @ 4:37 am

  19. Ha… and you think your queries are strange? How many people do you have coming to your page looking for “terrorist zombies pictures” or the ever popular “schoolgirl upskirt pictures”…

    One day, I will make a book off these
    :roll:

    Comment by dr Dave — March 19, 2005 @ 9:55 am

  20. How to mummify a tadpole:

    1) Have French baby girl.
    2) Wait 20-30 years.
    3) Spend much of that time convincing baby girl that motherhood is both fulfilling and fun, and that it is her sole duty on this planet to make you a grandma. Nag until she has a baby of her own.
    4) Bingo. Mum-ified Tadpole.

    Comment by Scroobious — March 19, 2005 @ 11:13 am

  21. dr Dave – had a look. Yours are definitely more wierd than mine:) Incidentally, I also had someone looking for “padawan” who ended up at my site about two months ago. I had to Google it myself to find out what it meant.

    I also think I’ve got someone Google stalking me. Term like “BHR location”, “BHR real name”, “BHR’s address” and “who is BHR PhotoSydney” seem to be cropping up a little too often for comfort.

    Comment by BHR — March 19, 2005 @ 12:03 pm

  22. just had a visitor via “animated pussy mow shave”
    :shock:

    Comment by petite — March 19, 2005 @ 12:51 pm

  23. Excellent – all the pages I’ve found haven’t been animated :eek:

    Comment by BHR — March 19, 2005 @ 1:03 pm

  24. 5€ a month? Sounds like a ripoff.
    Amen isn’t such a great webhost anyway. I pay 24€ a year per site for our webhosts and it includes the famous “awstats” (which provides the list of queries by keyphrase or keyword that lead people to your site).:wink:

    I have noticed that porn sites now try to refer to your (general ‘your’)site so it becomes a new kinda “add” in your stats pages such as firsttimeauditions dot com . I wondered what it was… until I went there. Damn now I get spam in my stats !!:sad:

    Comment by shellorz — March 19, 2005 @ 2:54 pm

  25. “animated pussy mow shave” – think I know exactly what thy were looking for; a cute animated gif of a tatto of a stickman moving the proverbial lawn. Can’t find it now though.

    Comment by reachy — March 21, 2005 @ 12:26 pm


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