I only have one New Year’s Resolution for 2005 and that is to find a way to reduce the size of my blogger’s bottom. While it may be very comfortable for sitting purposes, I caught sight of it in a 360° mirror in a changing room the other day and it was looking a little too J-Lo esque for my liking. So out with the pasta, in with the watercress soup and on with the old Renaissance cd’s while I pedal away on my exercise bike. Which is pretty much the only exercise I can do these days given that my only free time is in the evening while the Tadpole sleeps.
I don’t think Mr Frog has got around to making any resolutions, so here are a few of my recommendations. Not that I’m trying to change him or anything. But should he wish to make amends for New Year’s Eve…
- Stop smoking. It doesn’t smell very nice. It will likely send you to an early grave. And it makes you snore.
- When you go out drinking, please leave your Vespa at work and get a taxi. And don’t give me any of that ‘I only had a couple’ nonsense. I struggle to believe that between the hours of 9pm and 3am you ‘only had a couple’. Even if you are French, and therefore a bit of a lightweight.
- Buy flowers for your [insert pet name here]. Often. Or at the very least on her birthday.
- Come home from work before 10pm. It would be nice to see you on weekdays. However, arriving during Eastenders is ill advised.
- When you phone to say you will be home in half an hour, do not turn up two hours later. There is a chance (however slim) that I may have taken it into my head to get some dinner ready for your ETA. If you do arrive 2 hours later, see recommendation n° 3.
- Practice reciting the following indispensable English phrases:
‘Would you like a cup of tea, luv?’
‘No, wait, let me do that ironing.’
‘Don’t be silly, you’ve done enough today, just put your feet up while I fetch you tea/chocolate/cake and I’ll wash up.’
- When buying the mother of your child a gift of underwear, please ensure that the pair of pants you use as a size guide do not strongly resemble maternity pants.
- If your better half is blogging with headphones on, refrain from disturbing her and simply place the tea/chocolate/cake you are holding next to the computer.
On second thoughts, please replace tea/chocolate/cake above with tea and one stick of celery. How depressing.