petite anglaise

January 4, 2005

resolutions by proxy

Filed under: misc — bipolarinparis @ 11:00 am
J Lo's butt, not mine

I only have one New Year’s Resolution for 2005 and that is to find a way to reduce the size of my blogger’s bottom. While it may be very comfortable for sitting purposes, I caught sight of it in a 360° mirror in a changing room the other day and it was looking a little too J-Lo esque for my liking. So out with the pasta, in with the watercress soup and on with the old Renaissance cd’s while I pedal away on my exercise bike. Which is pretty much the only exercise I can do these days given that my only free time is in the evening while the Tadpole sleeps.

I don’t think Mr Frog has got around to making any resolutions, so here are a few of my recommendations. Not that I’m trying to change him or anything. But should he wish to make amends for New Year’s Eve…

  1. Stop smoking. It doesn’t smell very nice. It will likely send you to an early grave. And it makes you snore.
  2. When you go out drinking, please leave your Vespa at work and get a taxi. And don’t give me any of that ‘I only had a couple’ nonsense. I struggle to believe that between the hours of 9pm and 3am you ‘only had a couple’. Even if you are French, and therefore a bit of a lightweight.
  3. Buy flowers for your [insert pet name here]. Often. Or at the very least on her birthday.
  4. Come home from work before 10pm. It would be nice to see you on weekdays. However, arriving during Eastenders is ill advised.
  5. When you phone to say you will be home in half an hour, do not turn up two hours later. There is a chance (however slim) that I may have taken it into my head to get some dinner ready for your ETA. If you do arrive 2 hours later, see recommendation n° 3.
  6. Practice reciting the following indispensable English phrases:

    ‘Would you like a cup of tea, luv?’
    ‘No, wait, let me do that ironing.’
    ‘Don’t be silly, you’ve done enough today, just put your feet up while I fetch you tea/chocolate/cake and I’ll wash up.’

  7. When buying the mother of your child a gift of underwear, please ensure that the pair of pants you use as a size guide do not strongly resemble maternity pants.
  8. If your better half is blogging with headphones on, refrain from disturbing her and simply place the tea/chocolate/cake you are holding next to the computer.

On second thoughts, please replace tea/chocolate/cake above with tea and one stick of celery. How depressing.

19 Comments

  1. glad to see I’m not the only one that prefers resolutions for the other half. although somehow, I can’t help but think we may not stand much of a chance.

    Comment by kim — January 4, 2005 @ 11:20 am

  2. I see nothing amiss with that bottom(If you dont mind me saying)!
    :mrgreen:

    Comment by Animesh — January 4, 2005 @ 12:36 pm

  3. c’est GENIAL ! de A à Z, j’achète..j’espère que Nicolas va le lire (j’avais envie de lui faire une liste de bonnes résolutions mais j’osais pas.. le blog, quelle belle invention !)

    Comment by sans moi — January 4, 2005 @ 12:49 pm

  4. The rear pictured is J Lo’s. Not mine. I put that it the alternative text but that is probably too subtle.

    Comment by petite — January 4, 2005 @ 2:12 pm

  5. Love the idea of Mr. Frog saying “Would you like a cup of tea, luv” with a French accent-reminds me of the policeman out of Allo Allo for some reason…:wink:

    Comment by suziboo — January 4, 2005 @ 2:17 pm

  6. You do *ironing*? I gave that nasty habit up years ago. With selection of appropriate fabrics and careful drying technique, no ironing is required. If BF needs something ironing (i.e. all of his work shirts), he does it himself…

    Comment by witho — January 4, 2005 @ 2:29 pm

  7. It’s not the best picture of J Lo’s butt though is it? She looks like she’s wearing her Gran’s chin-warmers.

    Comment by backroads — January 4, 2005 @ 2:31 pm

  8. witho – I didn’t either until the Tadpole arrived. Half her stuff is untumbledryable. It is a cross I have to bear.

    backroads – It’s all I could find on google images under ‘J Lo’s butt’ without paying. Sorry.

    Comment by petite — January 4, 2005 @ 2:39 pm

  9. Ironing is a male-only activity these days anyway, as women sneakily refrain from buying clothes that require ironing.

    Don’t knock the buttocks, though – these powerful muscles enable you to sit down for hours at a time without tiring …

    Comment by Dingo — January 4, 2005 @ 3:23 pm

  10. Petite, are you a clone of my wife, or are all girls the same ? My own “petite à moi” just sort of abandoned asking me to stop smoking, but, for the remaining, is just exactly the same as you.
    Argh. Or are all parisian males coming back from work one hour after what they promised ?

    Comment by Nicolas — January 4, 2005 @ 3:30 pm

  11. Hmmm, I see your issue. How about dressing her entirely in Lycra? Hmmm, maybe not… :wink:

    Comment by witho — January 4, 2005 @ 3:36 pm

  12. witho – mmmm maybe you are onto something there. I’m picturing a kind of 80’s aerobics outfit in electric blue.

    Maybe one of my knitting blog visitors could knock out a pair of legwarmers to go with that ensemble?

    Comment by petite — January 4, 2005 @ 3:45 pm

  13. What is it with men and their ‘elastic’ perception of time? I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve had a phone call from the fella at 7 pm saying the ETA is 8pm, and that ‘not to worry, I’ll cook for us both when I get home’. Then I find myself sitting at home, alone and starving at 10 pm, eating toast cause I’ve given up on seeing him before midnight. Then of course one has to put up with the pissed up snoring. It sometimes feels as though even though *he* has a night out *I’m* the one that wakes up exhausted.

    Mind you, he’s overdone it a bit lately, and is now on an enforced detox for the rest of Jan, while I contently waft my glass of delicious red wine under his nose.

    Comment by stressqueen — January 4, 2005 @ 5:36 pm

  14. Funny post. Especially the part about the French being lightweight drinkers.

    Comment by Amused — January 5, 2005 @ 12:27 am

  15. Hey Petite, you forgot to add…

    9. Propose to [insert pet name here]…

    Comment by deeleea — January 5, 2005 @ 1:07 am

  16. Ah … now I see the alternative text for the picture. The problem was I hadn’t moused over it. Rest assured it has now been thoroughly moused over!

    Comment by Hairy — January 5, 2005 @ 2:35 pm

  17. And what about giving up watching Eastenders ?
    Naaah, just kidding :lol:

    Comment by Maurine — January 6, 2005 @ 11:33 pm

  18. Smoking – You can convey this to Mr Frog. I used to stink out l’apart with a serious 40+ a day cigarette habit inspite of nagging from nonsmoking Mme Frogette. Then the day she told me she was finally expecting our hard-to-get-started sprog, I stopped smoking (can you see the halo?)because I didn’t want to pollute their existence. I never started again.

    Comment by John O'D — January 7, 2005 @ 5:49 pm

  19. Do not convey this to Mr Frog. Stopping smoking doesn’t stop you snoring.

    Comment by John O'D — January 7, 2005 @ 6:06 pm


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