Comments on: seething

By: Wendy Juniper

Wendy Juniper — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:59:41 +0000

Just discovered your website Petite, and read this post. SO many bells rang true for me. This sounds EXACTLY like what I go through with my partner. We have weeks, sometimes months of blissful happiness, and then an all out war. I used to drag things up from the past, and he was the one that projects into the future. I’ve stopped doing that, well except the odd occasion when emotion takes over rationality. Sometimes I just don’t get why ‘he’s doing it again’ – being selfish that is, when he knows how much it incenses me. Thoughtless. Maybe over minor things, but each time I feel more and more sensitised to it. He doesn’t see he’s doing much wrong, gets defensive, makes excuses and says some quite hurtful things. A few days later he seems to understand and says words which let me know he ‘gets it, only to do it again a while later when all has been forgotton. This is who he is. There’s no changing the man and i’m coming to accept that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, he’s just got a little laddishness in there that sometimes pops up. I compare what I would do and feel that becasue he doesn;t think the same way, how can he love me totally? But not everyone is the same of course. If i’m honest, I really don’t see why it’s so hard to ‘get’ but it obviously is for him. I guess at some stage we have to accept the other for who they are. I’m not blamesless either, and iunderstand him, because I have been him in the past, it’s just i’m not that way anymore.

It reassures me that there is no ‘perfect relationship’ though, and from reading what you wrote, and the comments on this board, it helps me to know that others go through the same thing.

It’s hard to decipher how bad something is sometimes, when some of your froends tell you he’s being awful and I should end it, others tell me to calm down and a third set take the view of ‘no one knows what goes on except you two, take the rough with the smooth’.

By: chris goodhead

chris goodhead — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 21:35:30 +0000

“Never let the sun set on your wrath,” was the advice given to me by my Dad on my wedding day. It always runs through my head in those situations where you’re sitting it out in the dark, waiting for your other half to apologise. If it looks like enough time has passed and she ain’t gonna budge then I’ll swallow my pride and commence verbal reparations.

On my wedding day, Dad might also have added “Set your alarm for 3.37 in the morning because the fire alarm in the hotel you’re staying in is going off at 3.38 and it will give you a chance to at least get something to cover your lower half before you have to dash out into the car park.”

Nevertheless, the former advice has proved more valuable long-term.

By: Tarte Tartan

Tarte Tartan — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:57:23 +0000

So much for a bit of ‘light reading’ before going to bed – feels like I have just walked in on a food fight! Not one to get egg on my face, or in my hair (it’s hell to wash out, especially with hot water – think scrambled egg), I am not going to say anything too controversial. A bold post…yes. Would we expect anything less…no. And that’s why we keep coming back for more.

By: Timothy

Timothy — Sat, 19 Jul 2008 17:53:34 +0000

Sharing your hopes is quite brave; sharing your fears and doubts is braver still (or is it “more brave”? Hmmmm.). But I digress… I hate fighting, but I realize it is a part of any relationship. I think the key is to make a fight productive, to foster communication, to bring about change, to learn from it. And while I am loathe to recommend anything of “self-help” nature, I have found Rabbi Schmuley Boteach’s “Eight Rules of Fighting Fairly” to be very insightful; in this case, #7 is right on the money. I wish you and your new husband all the best.

May you love each other more today than you did yesterday. May you love each other more tomorrow than you do today.

By: Me2

Me2 — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 01:09:50 +0000

Two people brought up in different cultures – used to being independant and making their own decisions – get married – do you really expect everything to be sunshine and roses? I would be worried if they didn’t have issues – no-one’s perfect. You can love someone and still not like them sometimes.

Sounds like a perfectly normal relationship to me.

By: nancy

nancy — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:44:21 +0000

Petite, I have been reading your blog since you started. My life is no less complicated than yours and I can relate to so much of what you write. But I am less talented in writing than you, and less courageous in that I cannot express myself in the open. Thank you for being an honest voice in the blog world. The honesty alone is such a comfort.

Sharp daggers like #177 and 187 (and several more prior) are completely worthless. If you write to express yourself and help release any tension, I would simply try to not read the comments at all… both positive and negative. That way you can focus on living life without having to weed out the poisonous comments that dig their way under your skin. I just don’t understand people like that. They wouldn’t say such things to someone to their face (or maybe they would!), but express negativity so easily on the Internet.

By: Sheila K.

Sheila K. — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:23:39 +0000

Not all of us want, or really need to change our core belief system, SF. I suppose since you are French AND a shrink, (amateur or otherwise) you think you’re going to be the one to decide who needs help here? Get in line. Oh, you did. You’re #218. Just really goes to show that opinions are like navels; everybody has one.

By: French Psy in London

French Psy in London — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:28:37 +0000

One thing to remember is that all the comments posted on your blog come from people from different backgrounds. Their appreciation of your posts may therefore differ depending on their personal and cultural views about the subject. You cannot please everybody. There will always be people who will agree with you and others who will not. That is a matter of fact.

Seething is not pleasant and will often generate intense negative thoughts, negative emotions and associated action tendencies (behaviour). These are not dramatic if you forget about them after a couple of hours/days. They are called healthy negative thoughts/emotions and will naturally disappear. If, however, such thoughts and emotions tend to loop, you may be in presence of what one calls unhealthy negative material that you may wish to work on.

Our perception of ourselves and the world depends entirely on our core belief system. These core beliefs are held unconsciously and are often created during the early years of life. The good news is that what has been learned can be unlearned in order to change from emotional disturbance to emotional health.

Il y aurait beaucoup plus a dire sur le sujet mais je m’arrete la.

Bon courage pour la suite!

Regards,
SF

By: Suzy vegas

Suzy vegas — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 20:51:41 +0000

I must say I agree with Petite that we should be allowed to share our feelings without vitriolic response. I received a mail from a reader on http://www.lasttangoinbuenosaires.com who accused me of being ‘the puta’ because of my relationship with the Delivery Boy – I mean would we go around calling strangers ‘the whore’ if not for the internet.

By: Léonie

Léonie — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:13:48 +0000

I must say that reading all these comments through (I have a lot of time on my hands) has been gloriously entertaining.

I do, however, have some comments of my own

Do you not think it’s a little soon in your marriage for rabbit pictures? Most people at this stage in the relationship aren’t even considering floppy-eared pancake balancers and here you are, openly discussing them on the Internet! I am shocked. SHOCKED.

Please can people stop being amused by bunnies so that Petite can write something else and we can all get on with our lives?

God.