petite anglaise

April 21, 2006

the superficial

Filed under: navel gazing, single life — petiteanglaise @ 11:16 am

I choose my outfit, my undergarments with care, because I know from experience that a drink, with him, will lead to much, much more.

In the bar, I bask in the glow of his attention, happy in this moment, knowing full well it will be fleeting.

He seems most comfortable recounting anecdotes, in that theatrical way of his. His stories seem to form part of a cloak he draws around himself; a shield which I don’t even attempt to penetrate. Superficiality is an integral part of the unspoken pact between us.

I lie in bed, his sleeping body curled around mine, his arm around my waist, marvelling that someone can be so close, skin against mine, but simultaneously seem so remote, so inaccessible.

When we part the next day and I hear the words I fully expected to hear – “well, I guess I’ll see you in a month, when I get back” – I feel a twinge of something I was determined not to feel.

A brief pang of remorse that I may have been selling little pieces of myself to the lowest bidder.

82 Comments

  1. Is he a new one?

    Comment by David in London — April 21, 2006 @ 11:29 am

  2. I’ve been reading your writings for a while now and I love the way you express what you feel and experience.
    As for that guy, don’t feel any remorse or guilt. Sometimes, we just crave for some affection and attention, as superficial as it can be.

    Comment by Newyorkangel — April 21, 2006 @ 11:40 am

  3. Ah, I know the type well. But the pangs only come when you play by the rules that he has so meticulously set up. If you shake it up, I’ll bet the pangs will be coming more from the other side of the duo.

    Comment by BlondebutBright — April 21, 2006 @ 11:50 am

  4. david – I’ve put in a link which should clarify that.

    Comment by petite — April 21, 2006 @ 11:51 am

  5. Qu’est-ce que je peux dire?

    Little pieces of yourself, as long as they are happy pieces, may well be better than being whole and unhappy. But if they’re unhappy little pieces, then what on earth are you doing?
    That said, I fully accept that it’s much easier to give such advice than to take it – past experience proves that I’m no good at taking advice at all!

    Take care,

    Une fille

    Comment by Une Fille — April 21, 2006 @ 12:12 pm

  6. Petite did you enjoy it? Or are you feeling all angry with yourself? If you enjoyed it and you are feeling angry don’t you think you should remember just the enjoyment? And forget those pangs… we sometimes need them to remind us we are alive…

    Comment by carra — April 21, 2006 @ 12:24 pm

  7. Petite

    Been reading for a while and love your oh so expressive writing!

    Perhaps it was not just him that was “simultaneously…so remote, so inaccessible.”?

    I too know the feeling of selling little pieces but its a question of how much limited happiness you can gain from the sale. Sometimes we all need to be held and loved, nomatter what the outcome; Although it sometimes feels as though we are designed to seek out our self destruction all we are really seeking is a warm embrace and a feeling of belonging to the human race.

    Comment by trenchtory — April 21, 2006 @ 12:51 pm

  8. Aaah, I thought it might have been him, but I didn’t want to presume. Don’t feel guilty- you’re both adults, single, and making no demands on each other. Where’s the harm??

    Thanks for the link though.

    Comment by David in London — April 21, 2006 @ 12:54 pm

  9. but will he take you clubbing?

    Comment by Rufie — April 21, 2006 @ 1:03 pm

  10. I can’t believe nobody else has grasped the subtext to this. Petite doesn’t feel “guilty”. She feels uncomfortable because she’s a romantic and knows at heart that she deserves more than this sort of shabby treatment. The “harm” is in what this might do to her own self-esteem, given that that’s presumably already taken something of a dinting from Jim in Rennes. Petite, if I were you, I would make myself unavailable in a month’s time. But you already know what I think about this.

    Comment by old school friend — April 21, 2006 @ 1:07 pm

  11. (Don’t publish this.) I worry about you. You’re a brilliant writer but you have all the wrong instincts with men. You need someone who will still love the reall you in twenty years, not someone who is happy to see you a month from now for more sex.

    Be a little more demanding.

    Comment by Wu Ming — April 21, 2006 @ 1:15 pm

  12. Remorse is never a good thing, but that doesn’t mean stop. Is the remorse at a regret at wanting more from him, or for him being a replacement for what you really want?

    Comment by BoyOnTop — April 21, 2006 @ 1:26 pm

  13. The real question here is: Are you setting youself up for some pain? You are not selling little pices of yourself, but investing in something you doubt will pay off. That is what will hurt because you are hoping agaist hope it will turn into something real. If you were just selling, you would not be looking to the future. I know this will not help much, and what I am going to say can not take the place of someone standing next to you, but there are a lot of people who care about you here and hope the best for you.

    Comment by Ben — April 21, 2006 @ 1:36 pm

  14. Ahhh, sometiemes I miss the freedom to sell myself to the lowest bidder.

    Comment by Sarah — April 21, 2006 @ 2:09 pm

  15. I ended up seeing the same kind of guy… for 3 months, it was bliss, everything you describe, and then i went away for a week and he slept with someone else. easy come, easy go. enjoy it, but be careful.

    Comment by Jacqui — April 21, 2006 @ 2:09 pm

  16. I’m with ‘old school friend’ on this.

    I’m a firm believer in doing whatever feels right and makes you happy. But it doesn’t sound to me like this feels particularly right to you. Listen to your intuition and at the very least make him work a bit harder. It’ll be interesting to see if he wants to make the effort.

    You are worth so much more.

    Comment by Paola — April 21, 2006 @ 2:12 pm

  17. you are bright enough to know what works for you, and when it no longer works for you.
    take care and follow your gut… because as said above- you are worth it.

    Comment by stinkerbell — April 21, 2006 @ 2:29 pm

  18. I’m waiting for Trevors advice (he listens to Radio 4).

    Also what’s all this about Trevor not being real. This is more worrying issue…

    Comment by Hmmm — April 21, 2006 @ 2:35 pm

  19. I think that the majority of women just cannot have ‘no-strings’ relationships, no matter how much they try. I know I can’t.

    It’s just so hard not to become emotionally engaged with someone when so intimate physically.

    Have fun while you can though……he sounds lovely.

    Comment by stressqueen — April 21, 2006 @ 2:46 pm

  20. Hmmmm
    it is well you might ask for if I remember rightly I was the first to point out that there was something a little bit too sneeky about that fella, something I didn’t like about the cut of his jib. Of course once again my sincerity was called into question and my observations were greeted with jeers and disdain, hostility even. Perhaps the denouement I now see unfolding before my eyes brings a tired smile to my face. Perhaps it does, but is it any small wonder?

    Let it be known that I have also taken exception to the recently-voiced aspersions as to the very reality of my existence.

    Comment by Trevor — April 21, 2006 @ 2:51 pm

  21. Well Trevor you must understand that not all men have your high moral standards. Like the walrus of love – Barry White, you treat a woman like a queen (or a man like a queen, I don’t want to jump to any conclusins over your sexual orientation). But sounds like Mr Fuck Buddy is just a.normal.man. And least he’s being honest.

    But more seriously: If Trevor isn’t real then I’d have to question my own concept of reality.

    Comment by Hmmm — April 21, 2006 @ 3:03 pm

  22. AND also after reading the “I feel a twinge of something I was determined not to feel” line, was I the only person to hope that Petite was going to turn all GIRL_WITH_A_ONE-TRACK_MIND on us.

    Comment by Hmmm — April 21, 2006 @ 3:04 pm

  23. Ah, Petite, you nailed that particular breed of man perfectly. you know the danger, though. of wanting more, wanting what is so clearly not on offer. one other thing, the more you do this, the harder it can be to break away from it. ah, well. we do what we do, eh?

    Comment by caroline — April 21, 2006 @ 3:30 pm

  24. Who amongst us girls hasn’t been there (and maybe the men too)?

    Me, I’m full of bravado – I’m famous for my “no, it’s just a fling”, line and I honestly believe that, that I’m capable of that.

    Until the pang; the twinge and I think “WHY can’t I just do this fling business?”.

    Other girls can…….

    But I’m not one of them.

    And I envy them.

    Just a little bit :)

    Comment by Kasey — April 21, 2006 @ 3:34 pm

  25. Trevor=Hmmmmmm

    Comment by JSP — April 21, 2006 @ 3:40 pm

  26. NO!

    At least I think not. I once saw a programme on Channel 5 about this woman with multiple personalities (in the jekyll and hyde sense rather than she harboured celebrities in her house). Maybe Trevor is just another side to my character. Radio 4 is tuned into my car radio for some inexplicable reason.

    Comment by Hmmm — April 21, 2006 @ 3:55 pm

  27. Yes, I think he’s not all that…..?

    But what’s wrong with an interim lover, nothing. x

    Comment by fjl — April 21, 2006 @ 4:12 pm

  28. (in response to Old School Friend)

    Reading through this again slowly and analytically, coupled with what you have said, I can see your point and I take your point. You obviously know Petite from old and have a far better understanding of the context behind this post and her general situation at the moment then we do. However, I find that I cannot help but take what’s written in a post at face face value, my mind creating a mental image of the scenario that is based only on the small amount we know and is almost unaffected by the large amount of information that we don’t know; Petite the real person, her life, and everything that happened last night that she has chosen not to tell us.

    You mention shabby treatment in your comment. If the situation is that this guy is taking advantage of Petite’s vulnerability in order to get her into bed, then yes, he is treating her shabbily, it is only going to have a harmful effect on her self esteem, and she should perhaps make herself unavailable next month as per your advice. However, if they are both equals in this, then surely they are just two consenting adults having a bit of (mutual) fun based on the fact that they are single and enjoy each other’s company. Choosing underwear with care suggests a certain amount of intention on Petite’s part, especially as it is based on previous experience of meeting with him, and ‘part of the unspoken pact between us’ suggests exactly that- mutuality and equality between them.
    Which brings us on to the idea of ‘remorse’, ‘guilt’, ‘discomfort’, or any of the other terms being used here. If the situation corresponds with what you say and the first of my suggestions, then I can understand Petite’s discomfort/remorse/guilt (delete as applicable) and can only say that she should get out of it and find someone who will treat her far far better (and looking at the photo it isn’t going to be a ‘twelve tasks of Hercules’ type mission). However, if the corresponds to the second of my suggestions, then I can only say that Petite shouldn’t think she is selling little pieces of herself to the lowest bidder at all, but simply having a bit of fun with someone, which she shouldn’t feel guilty about. Perhaps she is simply finding it hard to reconcile herself with the concept of having a (superficial) no-strings-attached fling with someone, one that isn’t based on love or a deep emotional bond. It would be understandable.
    Either way, I mean no offence with this. I try to avoid getting personal on P.A as I think people forget they are passing judgement on someone’s real life. I’m not passing judgment either way.

    Comment by David in London — April 21, 2006 @ 4:27 pm

  29. So many thoughts, so little real knowledge on which to base these thoughts and so willing to share them regardless.

    I have known in my life so many people who derive a large portion of their self worth from who they are with and if they are, in fact, with someone. They fall easily in love. They are crushed without it. They get right back in the saddle and the cycle repeats.

    I do not know if this is true of you. I hope it is not. I hope this latest man is exactly as he appears. A delightful time. Some fun for you. Only you can know what you really think of him and if his lack of feeling (it’s fairly obvious, right) is going to hurt you. If you can be carefree and enjoy your brief, occasional times with him then do so. Enjoy it to the fullest. But if you know you cannot, then “next month” when he returns you’ll have to be so terribly busy that you couldn’t possibly make time for him.

    The best for you,
    Alyce

    Comment by Alyce — April 21, 2006 @ 4:28 pm

  30. (just for the record, I do understand the concept of paragraphs, but this bloody thing hasn’t pasted quite how it should have done).

    Comment by David in London — April 21, 2006 @ 4:28 pm

  31. how wonderful to be desired! make the most of your youth, il faut en profiter.

    Comment by Rose — April 21, 2006 @ 4:30 pm

  32. There must be little worse than the hideous, awkward moments before a boy leaves after the night before.. Especially if you are hoping that at some moment he will do or say something to make the whole thing seem less regrettable..

    Comment by Cara — April 21, 2006 @ 4:48 pm

  33. It’s been a lot of long sex-less years since I’ve been “there”, but boy-oh-boy have I been there… that place of settling for something fun, temporary — and not all that satisfying when you get right down to it. There’s nothing wrong with having a fling if you’re comfortable with it. But it’s when you start crossing out of your own comfort zone that you need to re-evaluate your motivations. I used to sell myself short with the wrong guys for years, one short-term thing after another, trying to make myself OK with it when I really wasn’t… mainly because I realized I was doing that because I didn’t think I deserved any better. When I “got it” that I’d rather take quality over quantity… well, it mean some long dry spells between relationships and that’s hard sometimes, but I feel a lot better about myself now then when I think back on some of my not-so-wise past choices.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say I think I understand. Have fun as long as it IS fun, but trust your intuition about when it’s time to move on.

    Comment by The Bold Soul — April 21, 2006 @ 4:59 pm

  34. That’s a brave post. I think most of us gals have been in that kind of place, and sometimes we can deal with it, and other times we can’t. If you know there is no future with the guy, and he has made that clear to you (if only they would all make that clear instead of letting us hang on by a thread) but you are feeling pangs then you are always free to cut your losses and get out of there.

    Before the guys come back saying girls do that too, by the way, I know we do. I have done it myself – had a fling with men who I know expect more from the relationship, or who started to feel pangs as Petite says. And no, I didn’t get out, which would have been the “right” thing to do. And they didn’t. And yes it ended badly etc…

    Ultimately each person is in control of his/her part in any relationship.

    Comment by Cheria — April 21, 2006 @ 5:27 pm

  35. Petite, I think you are simply growing wise. Relationships are what’s meaningful, not just sex. When you’re young, you think sex IS the relationship or that it creates the relationship; as you get older you realize that sex grows OUT OF the relationship and that sex without a relationship just isn’t all that satisfying.

    My advice–the next guy you meet that you really like, vow not to sleep with him for at least 6 months. Instead figure out other things to do with your time together that help you get to know each other better.

    I promise you that building the relationship first only makes the sex better. Getting too hot and heavy too early on the sex side blinds you to the other things you should pay attention to.

    Bravo.

    Comment by Small Town Diva — April 21, 2006 @ 5:29 pm

  36. David in London, just a couple of things. What I wrote was purely in response to Petite’s post this morning and the earlier one about this man. It didn’t draw upon any “wider context” – like all Petite’s friends and family who comment, I would never reveal anything from “beyond the Blog”, as it were.

    To clarify what I meant by “shabby treatment”, I didn’t mean that this man had somehow hoodwinked her into bed. But judging from what she’s told us on the Blog, it seems that what he is (metaphorically) saying to her is: “I like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough to have a proper relationship with you”. And I just personally think that’s a bit crap. It’s fine if it is indeed an equal power balance and she can cope with it, but that last line of today’s post seems to scream out that she can’t. Anyway, this is just my personal interpretation of the situation she’s described, but hopefully your more optimistic take on it is correct. No offence meant from me either.

    Comment by old school friend — April 21, 2006 @ 5:32 pm

  37. Hi Petite,
    I have to quote Nicholas Cage’s character in Moonstruck. “We aren’t here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect, stars are perfect. Not us, not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and…and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and…and die! I mean the storybooks are bullshit! Now I want you to come upstairs and…and GET in my bed. Come on, come on, come on.”. I couldn’t agree more. Go for it!

    Comment by Zerlina — April 21, 2006 @ 5:34 pm

  38. Trevor = Hmmm = HIM ????

    Comment by Wondering.... — April 21, 2006 @ 5:58 pm

  39. None taken whatsoever. To be honest it appears that my musings have gone down like a lead balloon. Of course, I’m not trying to specifically base my thoughts on what I do know, think I know, or don’t know about Petite’s life, but was simply trying to use my own experiences (and those of my close friends) to draw approximations to the *type* of situation that is presented here. As for hoodwinking, I didn’t necessarily think that I had hit the nail on the head with that, but just used it as an example of caddish behaviour.

    Either way, you are obviously a good friend to her. Apologies if I have said the wrong thing.

    Comment by David in London — April 21, 2006 @ 6:01 pm

  40. I remember one of my exes calling me on Valentine’s Day to meet up for a drink in London. I was single at that time and I knew that something would happen if I accepted his invitation. We ended up sharing the same bed at the end of the evening and we both enjoyed this particular moment of intimacy. The guilt and shame only stroke the following morning, when my ex finally left my flat with no kiss or tender word. Nothing. I then realised that I had unconsciously hoped that this night together would have perhaps made us feel closer. I was wrong. It took me some time to rebuild my own self-esteem following this episode.

    Petite, if you are sure that you and this guy do not want the same thing in life, forget about him and move on. One day you will find the right guy for you and you will know he is the one straight away! Meanwhile only pay attention to the guys who want a relationship with you, if this is what you really want. You will feel a million $$$!

    Grosses bises et courage!

    Comment by Stephanie — April 21, 2006 @ 7:01 pm

  41. Wondering…
    I think that Trevor and the person posting as Hmmm are the same person, thats what I was saying.

    Comment by JSP — April 21, 2006 @ 7:17 pm

  42. no, different email addresses, and sexes. and I have received an email from trevor so I do now believe he is real, and may indeed meet him for a cup of tea.

    Comment by petite — April 21, 2006 @ 7:18 pm

  43. I’m trying it too – in a ‘non-relationship’ with someone. I knew from the start he is unsuitable and that it would never work long-term. But i said no worries, it’s just for some fun now. And i ignored the part of me that said knew I can’t do sex without attachment. So now I am attached and need to get out… but am still having fun… arrgh! Good luck! I hope you are able to enjoy it for what it is!

    Comment by kingston girl — April 21, 2006 @ 7:19 pm

  44. JSP, I think you’ve made yourself pretty clear at this stage, but just in case – what you’re struggling to say is that “me and hmmmm are one and the same person”. is that it? Just checking.

    Comment by Trevor — April 21, 2006 @ 7:33 pm

  45. Yep. The posts kept seeming to go together.

    Comment by JSP — April 21, 2006 @ 7:51 pm

  46. I’ll be dropping it now =)

    Comment by JSP — April 21, 2006 @ 7:54 pm

  47. Aren’t we all forgetting something here?
    Are we forgetting to give Petite a bit of credit?

    She’s all growdy-uppy.
    She’s experienced enough to know herself.
    She’s going into this with eyes wide open.

    She’s made her bed and she’s happy to lie in it (alone or not as she chooses).

    Comment by Miss Nomer — April 21, 2006 @ 8:52 pm

  48. You are selling bits of yourself. Hate to put it bluntly, but it’s true. In college, I made the choice to throw myself into the bed of any cute willing male. Sure, it was fun, but I always ended up feeling the way you mention in this post. You have to decide which is easier to live without–sex or emotion. I did without emotion for almost 3 years, then I decided to do without sex. It put me in a much better place when I eventually met the man of my dreams.

    Comment by Deep Blu Sea — April 21, 2006 @ 8:56 pm

  49. dear petite, one needs time to heal. a month before he comes back may not be enough.

    Comment by Kate — April 21, 2006 @ 8:58 pm

  50. Sometimes you just need a body, regardless of your self esteem.

    Comment by Holly — April 21, 2006 @ 9:07 pm

  51. No, no, Trevor is real. It’s Uranus who isn’t.

    Petite, it’s true: we have all done this. I got very deeply into one such “superficial” affair and remember it as one of the most painful (and humiliating) situations of my life. It took a lot of effort to get out.

    That’s what you’ll have to do, sooner or later. Sooner will be easier than later, but you make your own choices. I wish you courage and the confidence to live without this man who doesn’t appreciate you properly.

    Claire

    Comment by Claire — April 21, 2006 @ 9:08 pm

  52. Ah yes, we’ve all danced to this particular tune at one time in our lives. In my experience, the majority of women are hopeless romantics, believing that, in time, he’ll realize how wonderful I am and fall in love with me. . . but they don’t.

    Comment by Trinigirl — April 21, 2006 @ 9:48 pm

  53. Petite,
    It is extremely difficult to understand why you, a smart, pretty and intelligent woman, who is loved by the masses (what are all doing coming to your blog every day???) has to sell herself to the “lowest bidder”.

    Come on! You deserve more! One night stands? Go for it, but enjoy and don’t regret telling us about it in this blog!

    Do you know what you need? Screw the French! Are you ready for the intellectual challenge of a Suede? Are you ready for the fiesta of a Spaniard? For the beer absorption of a German body? For the travel stories of a Dutchman?

    If you go cheap, you get low bids. Don’t complain.

    Comment by Uranus — April 21, 2006 @ 9:59 pm

  54. You’d better post a new post PA. They’ve all gone stark raving fucking mad!

    Comment by Trevor — April 21, 2006 @ 10:22 pm

  55. Not sure if another comment is really needed, or indeed appreciated. But, something BlondebutBright said right up there in the 3rd comment struck a chord … and it doesn’t seem as if anyone else picked up on it …

    when you play by the rules that he has so meticulously set up

    A fling’s a fling. It can be fun. It can be great. It can be debilitating. It can suck. In short, each fling has a personality of its own. Where one of the particpants is subject to the whim of the other — or if circumstances causes it to feel that way — it can damage one’s self-esteem.

    I think, Petit, you need to go get yourself a riding crop and do what you will … =)

    Comment by ellie — April 21, 2006 @ 10:22 pm

  56. You see?

    Comment by Claire — April 21, 2006 @ 10:38 pm

  57. oh my god, did I dream that, or did Uranus just pay me a backhanded compliment? gracious.

    Comment by petite — April 22, 2006 @ 12:17 am

  58. I think perhaps we’re underplaying here the extent to which BOTH men and women find no-strings sex a physical and emotional minefield, even if men tend to use a different vocabulary to express it. Some people are better than navigating through the minefield than others and I’m not convinced gender is the key factor here. Isn’t it more about personal history, social and cultural context or even just the ‘moment’ and the particular set of circumstances that meet at a given time. Amongst my close group of friends, there are more woman than men who, at this point in their life at least, find it easy to take lovers without necessarily falling in love with them, including several who refuse to move into anything more than a physical relationship, despite the men they are sleeping with desperately wanting this. Perhaps what it boils down to is the balance of power – in any shade of relationship from the committed to the casual, one person will usually have more power than the other, whether emotional, physical or financial,even if that balance shifts over time, and it’s how each person deals with or responds to the balance, whether positively or negatively, that will determine whether the relationship is ‘good’ for them.

    Comment by Nikki — April 22, 2006 @ 12:56 am

  59. It is lamentable that you cannot find pleasure in purely carnal, physical contact, being embraced and appreciated physically by another but must instead feel unfulfilled because of some unexpressed expectation, which you feign before your partner not to have. Sex, physical contact of bodies and skin is real closeness; ce n’est pas du tout compliqué. Once you can appreciate the sex and your partner for what they are rather than what you expect they should be, you’ll stop feeling so cheap. Being honest with him about your expectations would also help. Bonne chance, petite et tellement Anglaise.

    Comment by Ad Absurdum — April 22, 2006 @ 2:17 am

  60. I was involved in a 7 year long relationship. When that ended I hooked up with another guy three times, at monthly intervals. I didn’t feel anything for this guy. I told myself that I wasn’t looking for a deeper relationship, just.. um.. compensation. I enjoyed it until the morning came, when I realized that I just sold myself short. (To think I did this three times!) The fourth time, I decided that I wasn’t going to sleep with him. I have never felt better about myself than when I walked away from my date, untouched. I never saw him again and I really don’t care, I’ve met better guys since.. better in so many ways.
    My point is that, if it makes you feel bad, don’t go back for seconds. I only wish I had this knowledge back then.

    Comment by mlle — April 22, 2006 @ 3:41 am

  61. I want to hear about tea with trevor, and can we see a pic too:)

    just another nosy american:)

    good luck!

    Comment by kim — April 22, 2006 @ 3:49 am

  62. A miserable way to have fun, sorry.

    Comment by Commenter — April 22, 2006 @ 7:43 am

  63. I don’t know, Petite, it just sounds like a prescription for disaster.

    Yesterday I went to the hair salon where my female hairdresser, L., announced that she had just broken up with her beautiful bf M. Now she goes out all the time.

    We all have our ways of coping with breakups and with loneliness. Make sure that what you choose is best for you.

    Comment by Lost in France — April 22, 2006 @ 8:10 am

  64. Yes, I’m waiting for the Tea with Trevor post and pic too. Enjoy reading about your escapades and then calling in at the Back Office here and finding it’s turned into a psychotherapy group! Enjoy the fling but keep your finger on the ‘Delete’ button. Good luck.

    Comment by jj — April 22, 2006 @ 10:12 am

  65. Quite a chorus of approval in the foregoing posts but count me out. The following strategies might be useful though:

    Keep a revolver under your pillow in case F.B. turns out to be a woman-hating psycho…….

    After ‘choosing undergarments with care’, next step should be to turn any mirrors to the wall so that you don’t have to look your self in the eye the morning after…..

    Likewise, all photographs of Tadpole – I’m sure she wouldn’t approve…..

    Start preparing your script to respond to the ‘strained’ greetings you will receive from mum & dad when you are next home (nothing guarantees that a post WILL be read more than an imperative “Please don’t read this link mum& dad”, in any case superfluous since its content is divulged in subsequent responses – and you told us they recommended your blog to their friends!!)….

    Why “sell little pieces of yourself to the lowest bidder”? Go up-market! – the rates are much better around Pigale & soon you will be able to move on from Belleville to Montparnesse? Definitely no ‘relationship’ issues to worry about either.

    Alternatively, come to your senses and realise, at last, that unless you can value yurself more and treat yourself with some respect you will continue to experience your recurring bouts of depression and your more persistent feelings of low self-esteem.

    Comment by fella — April 22, 2006 @ 11:09 am

  66. JJ – “The back office” is really out of control at the moment, but I accept no liability.

    fella – Tadpole and I are with my parents in Yorkshire at the moment, no problems to report there… I’m a big girl, I live my own life, they respect that.

    Comment by petite — April 22, 2006 @ 11:10 am

  67. Petite, some only know ‘backhanders’. The fact he’s here is one gigantic compliment, only of the type we don’t seek, unfortunatley. If only they would all get some art and grow a spine… alas! xx

    Comment by fjl — April 22, 2006 @ 11:17 am

  68. P – Are you sure they don’t ‘accept’ rather than ‘respect’ your revelations & ‘good time girl’ lifestyle?

    Comment by fella — April 22, 2006 @ 11:29 am

  69. you may be forgetting that, unlike you, my parents know and understand far more than what I choose to publish on this blog.

    Comment by petite — April 22, 2006 @ 12:05 pm

  70. so candid and so brave. i love your blog!

    Comment by swann — April 22, 2006 @ 12:33 pm

  71. I hope that you are having a lovely time in Yorkshire.

    I agree with jj- “Enjoy the fling but keep your finger on the ‘Delete’ button.”

    I know when I have been with boys like this, there is a part of me that would think, “Maybe if I play by the rules, he will fall for me and I will get the emotional relationship I want.”

    Needless to say, that didn’t happen.

    Comment by Nicole — April 22, 2006 @ 2:25 pm

  72. Petite -

    This advice may be redundant at this point, but I say keep up the lovin’. I spent a glorious summer dating a Swede that had moved to my town for 2 months. He was coming out of a long-term relationship, and I hadn’t dated in some time. We simply reveled in the short-term pleasure.

    For me, it opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t meeting people because I brushed them off as “unworthy” as soon as they approached me. It also took off the tense edge of desperation I had developed that was SO unappealing. I began to relax at bars and clubs, and generally have more fun with my life.

    He moved back to Sweden at the end of the summer, and I met my delightful husband shortly thereafter. I wouldn’t change a minute of the time I spent with him.

    Comment by carrie — April 22, 2006 @ 2:46 pm

  73. love reading your blog due partly to voyeuristic and francophilic pleasure, you write so incisively captivatingly, and thanks for blogging your thoughts and experiences

    i do hope that things will get better for you soon.. there’s seldom a “right” decision, and no choice can be deemed “wrong” if it’s what you want and desire

    nous sommes tous de coeurs libres

    bonne chance et bon courage p’tite

    Comment by t3 — April 22, 2006 @ 2:52 pm

  74. All this moralising and/or supportive comments are all very well … I say – “Yes but did you have FUN at the time??? Did you enjoy him, did he enjoy you?” (he better bloody have, if he has any brains & brawn, hee) Even the most gorgeous and adorable of we females get the post-coital morning afters, even when we know the rules of the game and are all growdy-uppy (love that term). Fecking hormones and endorphins… You do your thing. Love your work.

    Comment by Jules — April 22, 2006 @ 3:43 pm

  75. It’s one of those “know thyself” things. Some people – and I’m one – just aren’t built for guilt-free casual flings, and it’s even harder when you are feeling a bit vulnerable.

    It’s starts off sounding good, you’re a modern women, why not?, the guy looks fabulous, he’s romantic, attentive, makes you feel sexy – and then the next morning you feel shabby and used. And worse, you feel needy. For myself, I’ve decided no sex, however great, is worth that.

    Petite, you decide what works for you, but ultimately, hold out for adoration and respect. Please.

    Comment by Ingrid — April 22, 2006 @ 5:16 pm

  76. So…he seduces with words,(as did another,not long ago), draws a shield around himself,is in control
    (I GUESS I’ll see you – IN A MONTH), has you seeking his approval (I choose my outfit, my undergarments, with care) nd leaves you regretful…

    Fuckbuddies you are NOT.

    He’s getting made love to, while all you’re getting is FUCKED…OVER.

    Fuck buddies don’t do that.

    If a man “seems” remote and inaccessible – he IS.

    If you think/feel that you are going to be
    Special,Different, More Woman Than The Others, The One,that he is going to open his heart & soul to you,
    if this is what you are seeking, whether you admit it to yourself or not, Petite, then you are lying to yourself and doing great violence to YOUR heart and spirit…

    Were your pang of remorse really brief,Petite, it would not have birthed a post. His words stung, coming as they did from a bee who flits from flower to flower, as is its nature.

    Will you feel jealous when you see him with someone else? (It is just a matter of WHEN, not IF… One cannot fault a bee for being true to its nature.) If so, move on…Instincts do not lie.

    It is a law of physics that two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Remove the bee from your life so that it may open up to true love. Flit from flower to flower like the beautiful flower that you are, but do not sell yourself…at ANY price.

    Comment by Belle — April 22, 2006 @ 11:45 pm

  77. No advice just totally get it. Have fun in Yorkshire
    X

    Comment by Laura — April 23, 2006 @ 5:51 pm

  78. Well..i almost regularly read your writings and the bset thing is the way you express urself..Coming 2 ur experience..wat to say sometimes we do certain things that are not planned so just go on with it as long as you don’t habitulise urself with such things.
    Enjoy!!!

    Comment by Nick Carter — April 24, 2006 @ 6:41 am

  79. You really have guts Petite. Hats off to u. U kmow what is working for u and what is not. U r a brave girl. Always follow your intensations.
    Best of luck for future!!!

    Comment by anna — April 24, 2006 @ 9:55 am

  80. Brave-schmave – at least he’s hot!! Thanks to you, I’m shagging someone I don’t even fancy (most recently because he bought me dinner – yes girls, I know how that feels!) But after my trip to our glorious homeland, I am not answering his calls – thanks to my heightened sense of self-worth and the fact I’ve done my back in. That which does not kill us etc. ;)

    Comment by rhino75 — April 24, 2006 @ 2:00 pm

  81. Oh hurrah, does that mean you are back?

    Comment by petite — April 24, 2006 @ 2:52 pm

  82. Yep, I believe there’s some wisdom to that oft- repeated aphorism, “you’re more likely to meet someone you really like, when you’re already seeing someone…” .

    (hence my aloneness)

    Comment by eric — April 25, 2006 @ 6:44 am


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