petite anglaise

March 14, 2006

eleven days later

Filed under: parting ways — petiteanglaise @ 8:17 pm

I find it incredibly frustrating not knowing what is going through his mind – even if recent events proved rather forcefully that I knew at lot less about the contents of his head than I could possibly imagine, when we were together.

In my mind’s eye, I picture him delivering the news to his parents, his friends, his daughters. People who had met me; fallen under Tadpole’s spell. I try to imagine their reactions. Part of me hopes, cruelly, selfishly, that they are telling him he has behaved like a fool. That he is unlikely to get a chance like that again, in this lifetime. That they cause him to question the wisdom of his actions. To bitterly regret. To be gripped with remorse.

Deep down, I know that his friends will be feeding him the same platitudes that mine do; as everyone always does. It can only have been for the best. It just wasn’t meant to be. It would have been terrible if she had uprooted her whole life, her daughter’s life, to chase an empty, barren dream. Wouldn’t it?

Even if I have conditioned myself to agree with these sentiments, and sincerely believe that we may have been doomed to fail, I still cannot shake off this dull ache I carry around with me every day, which can flare up without warning, in the most unlikely situations, and set about gnawing at my insides.

I hear his voice in my head, marvelling at the softness of my skin, or laughing at something naïve I said, and I stop in my tracks, simply unable to believe that, for him, the bad outweighed the good. Then I replay those other words, those caustic, wounding words, to nip such pointless thoughts in the bud. A form of necessary self torture.

A confession: sometimes, I find myself scrolling through my statcounter, searching for Rennes, Brittany among the current visitors. But I won’t allow myself to call, or email. I simply cannot. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.

So, if you are out there, ex-Lover, you have the advantage.

Because here I am, an open book, with a broken spine. While you remain unfathomable.

100 Comments

  1. I have been wondering if you have been wondering if he is reading. Now I know.

    Comment by LJ — March 14, 2006 @ 8:47 pm

  2. No wish to criticise either you or lover, but I did wonder about lover after his comment, light hearted or not, along the lines of punching someones lights out if they looked at his girl (not the exact right words I’m sure)

    Maybe you had a lucky escape?? Or maybe it all went too fast with the subject of marriage coming up too soon?? Some blokes get scared of commitment.

    Of course seen through the eyes of an oldie like me the view will be different to that of someone as young as you, and we only have the glimpses of your life that you choose to show us.

    I had the good fortune to meet a nice Parisien lady around the time you met lover, I sefishly just hope it does not go the same way that your new relationship went.

    Bon courage.

    Comment by Keith — March 14, 2006 @ 9:25 pm

  3. Aw, Petite…do not torture yourself! I think the best thing to do would be to grab a friend, tell her or him that you have mourned, but now you are finished…and then take a shot. Maybe two..but then, no more. You don’t need more, because you are celebrating a new beginning, not mourning an ending.

    Comment by Mica — March 14, 2006 @ 9:48 pm

  4. If you haven’t yet read it, I strongly recommend reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt. It can go along way toward keeping you from wasting your energy by wishing things were different… and from selectively remembering ONLY the good and not the things he may have said or done that were hurtful or that showed lack of real commitment. (Plus it will make you laugh!)

    I read it several years after my last serious relationship fizzled out (a guy who, by the way, I was surprised to discover was stalking MY blog, anonymously just this past summer – click to read about THAT). I was well “over” that guy by then, but I still occasionally wondering where he was, what he was doing, and was he (oh, please God) miserable with his current girlfriend. After reading it, I wished the book had come along decades earlier when I was in my teens or 20’s, because I could have saved myself YEARS of agony, wishing for men who weren’t “into me” enough to give me what I need, and I could have saved a fortune on therapy and self-help books, trying to figure out where I’d gone wrong in each failed relationship.

    I’m sure ex-Lover has his good points and in time you’ll find a way to remember the good times without missing him so much. Until that happens, whatever you do, DO NOT call him or email him! There is no answer to “WHY?” that will ever satisfy you. The answer is: he just wasn’t into you enough for it to work out. And maybe, just maybe, you weren’t that into him either.

    (Of course it’s always fun to indulge in imagining his friends telling him what a complete ass he’s been!)

    Comment by The Bold Soul — March 14, 2006 @ 9:48 pm

  5. Platitudes. Yes. Every where. True. :(

    Better than people saying scathing things to you, cruelly twisting the dagger in the open wound, adding more pain to the existing agony…

    Honesty is a hard thing to have to listen to or face (up to) especially if one may have been hiding behind fantasies and/or beautiful dreams. (This is me talking in generalities here because I tend to fantasize a lot myself).

    We can only utter platitudes because we only know that which you present to us here. No way of knowing the reality of what actually truly went on in your life (lives).

    It’s pretty impressive though to be able to share your “rupture” here with us and not let any bitterness or anger transpire in your posts.

    You must be an angel…

    ..with the fragility of a human being.

    I feel so dejected and sad for you. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that you wondered if he were peeking to see how you were coping. I had said, “I bet she’s wondering if he’s reading”…

    What was the point to my blabbering here – Sorry, I seem to have lost the plot.

    Hugs to you Petite Anglaise from a grande anglaise en Amerique!

    Comment by Kiora — March 14, 2006 @ 10:05 pm

  6. Although I don’t necessarily agree with Bold Soul about reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” (I’ve got my own serious issues with that book, starting with the fact that it was written by Sex and the City writers after they tested the catch phrase on an episode of the show, not exactly where I want my advice to come from), I do agree about there being no right answer for the question, “why?”

    Because as much as perhaps you saw the warning signs same as Lover did, you sound (to us, your public) like you were more willing to work through the kinks. And that means that the “why?” is less knowable to you, than it is for him.

    So when there are questions we can’t answer, the only thing we can do is answer the ones we can. What will make you feel better? When will you be okay with crying it out? What do you need to do on the journey of the pendulum swing between the two? Those are questions you can answer, because the answers are rooted in yourself. When our hearts are broken, we have the tools to mend them – oddly enough, in a moment of heartbreak, it is us, and no one else, that can do that for ourselves.

    Hope you’re well – and finding the answers you need. Not, forgive me Bold Soul, in a book, but in yourself. And in time.

    Comment by Krissa — March 14, 2006 @ 10:15 pm

  7. Keith, in his first paragraph could not have expressed my sentiments better. (And I am not being wise after the event; that post made the hairs stand up on my neck!) Whilst,like all your pals, virtual or ‘real’. I wished you well in that relationship if you wanted it so much, when I read that mail by Jim I felt, intuitively, that he was not the man you were looking for. Whist his words, before and after that post impressed, even dazzled, you I often detected a ‘too clever by half’ element which also jarred. And, altogether, it seemed just too much a relationship you ‘wanted’ rather than one inspired by the gods & made in heaven.

    So, I remain convincd that Mr Right has yet to surface above your horizon. When he does, I’ll bet he’s a great guy who can make you laugh, command your respect in his accomplishments and he will get on very well with both his friends and yours, of both sexes,… and he will also be great with kids. You haven’t had too easy a time in life so far but you have achieved so much and well-deserve future happiness. I’m sure that will come about before too long, but perhaps when you are not looking quite so hard and least expect it!

    Comment by fella — March 14, 2006 @ 10:17 pm

  8. You’re an amazing writer. There’s nothing more beautiful than honest writing. Your words have been ripping through me, love hurts, and no cliche can take that damned pain away.

    Is this blog meet-up still going for April 1st? Could we throw a young Canadian au pair into the circle?

    Comment by Gillian Young — March 14, 2006 @ 10:32 pm

  9. Gracious Keith, fella, thank you for your concern, but that tongue in cheek remark was really not indicative of a violent temperament. Absolutely not. No complaints in that department.

    Not many complaints at all, in fact, other than perhaps a little too much excess baggage.

    Comment by petite — March 14, 2006 @ 10:35 pm

  10. Krissa’s quite correct that the real “answers” won’t come from any book (even those I might recommend). But sometimes, I believe the clues and hints we need to help us get a little peace of mind during stressful times can often be found in the most unusual places: a movie or TV program, a heart-shaped billboard, or even a wise-cracking book from “Sex and the City” writers. What difference does it make where the inspiration comes from if it works? It’s about being open to the answers coming to you in whatever form they take.

    (By the way, in your last comment #9, that “tongue in cheek” link – does it require some sort of password? Doesn’t seem to be working.)

    Comment by The Bold Soul — March 14, 2006 @ 11:04 pm

  11. It’s a strange sensation to see such familiar and recent feelings, which I can’t express with such eloquence, being written about so evocatively by someone else.

    Now, I find it irritating when my ex appears in my statcounter. I prefer to believe that he’s indifferent to me, since he didn’t care enough to stay. His new gf’s hits are a different matter… it’s quite flattering to be considered a threat!

    Comment by mintypoppet — March 14, 2006 @ 11:43 pm

  12. The link worked fine for me and has revealed a plethora of personalities… some great material for the sociologists out there.

    Gimme a P! Gimme an E! Gimme a T! Gimme an I!… etc..

    Comment by Paris Lights — March 14, 2006 @ 11:44 pm

  13. ‘A form of necessary self torture’

    xxx

    Comment by andre — March 15, 2006 @ 12:33 am

  14. It is sad to see the death of hope in a relationship. As I have typed in my recent comments, I think that it is more than healthy to mourn and to repeat scenes in your head. Chin up, Petite. You are an amazing person (your writing speaks volumes) and any pain that you may be feeling now only testifies to the fact that you do love deeply and that somewhere there is another that will return such deep feelings for you. Maybe ex-lover just wasn’t the person. I know that words like this are of little help, but hang in there.

    Comment by H. (aka NC_State_gal) — March 15, 2006 @ 12:36 am

  15. Once upon a time I could have written much of your post myself – even down to the ‘beautiful skin’ comment. It was a much shorter relationship, almost a holiday romance, but that didn’t stop me building beautiful castles in the air which came crashing down around my ears.

    I spent goodness knows how much time, even years later from the security of a much happier relationship, replaying stuff in my head over and over, trying out various scenarios, and trying to fathom out the ‘why’? Yes, of course ‘he just wasn’t that into me’ but so many little things had conspired to make me think that actually he really was. All my other relationships had petered out when they had run their course (much, I suspect, like your relationship with Mr F) but with this one that eternal and perpetual ‘why?’ bugged me like crazy. Oh how I hate the word, but what I needed was not him, but ‘closure’ – a true understanding of what had really been going on in his mind.

    We parted in the days (just) before the Internet really took off. He went back to the other side of the world and I was left with a phone number that I never used. Your blog and today’s ease of communication make your situation so different, but perhaps essentially the same – you will never truly understand what he was thinking because his take on the events you experienced together was clearly very different from your own.

    I met my husband about 18 months after the events in question. I have ‘closure’ in the sense that I have absolutely no desire to see the other guy again. And yet, and yet. I would still LOVE to know what exactly was going on in his head all those years ago. Crazy, n’est-ce pas?

    Not sure what I’m trying to say with these self-indulgent ramblings, except that I wish now I’d never wasted so much mental energy on him. You will never know and one day you will no longer care.

    Comment by P — March 15, 2006 @ 1:13 am

  16. Thank you for sharing what you feel…so many of us have had those experiences. Your writing is healing for me, as I hope it is for you too.

    I appreciate also your tact with comments. People always want to give advice, to help…though I think that’s the last thing you need or desire typically. I appreciate your ability to bare your thoughts to all of us despite it all.

    Comment by NicoleH — March 15, 2006 @ 1:16 am

  17. The more I read you, the more I draw you in my imagination like Kelly Reilly in ‘the russian puppets’ (albeit you would need at least two more complete sessions to your hairdresser ‘de Luxe’ to have the same hair cut and color) : a talented writer, fully committed to her passions with men. This let open the role for your own Romain Duris ; Mr. Frogg ? Jim ? Another Jules-to-come ?

    Comment by coutho — March 15, 2006 @ 1:19 am

  18. Petite,

    Like all readers, I have to say that I love your blog and am amazed every day by how channeled you are into truth. It is so refreshing to read!

    As for ex-lover I wouldn’t doubt that he isn’t reading this, or at least will someday. Most likely, he’s a miserable wreck right now. But this is neither here nor there (even though it is a nice thought).

    I do think that someday in this very truth that you seem to be in touch with, you will find the reason that you and ex-lover are not together. And it will be a nice and good release. But yeah, understanding “why” is the last thing you should think about right now. Because you are just too close to it all.

    Personally, I just think you are too strong for ex-lover. Ex-lover is the weak link. And he has to deal with this sad reality for the rest of his life. You are not the one at disadvantage. I think this is very clear.

    It’s not easy being so in touch with truth and being so strong, but you haven’t given up on truth. Even in the midst of one of the worst storms of your life, you are still proclaiming it! And I think you are due applause from across the globe for that!

    Also, Petite, I saw your photos online and you are one très sexy mademoiselle. Don’t discount this. Especially in Paris!

    Comment by Sara Anne — March 15, 2006 @ 3:27 am

  19. I agree about the book recommendation, its not a good book, (he’s not that into you) I tossed it!

    I can’t imagine that he is not reading your posts, curiosity is a natural thing!

    Its best that you don’t know his thoughts, he wasn’t the right one for you, you are destined for greater ones:)

    take care petite!
    kim

    Comment by kim — March 15, 2006 @ 3:57 am

  20. In my experience, not that I’m Miss Worldlywisewoman, exactly, but I do think it’s easy for men to play the field well with alot of women without becoming overly attached to one. In fact, it’s their nature. Then there’s the one they settle with, and she’s that one that has the kids. It’s nature. You don’t want wide generalisations right now, I know. But men just don’t cherish and mourn relationship details in the same way, though they enjoy us and learn from the differences in our personalities. We’re living in a culture that accepts sex differences, rather than the 70’s and 80’s which tried to deny them, (though it was as plain as the noses on their faces)! It might help the dull ache to see yourself as simply not fitting into the settling down image your ex lover has for a woman, ( which can be anything atall), rather than punishing yourself by telling yourself he didn’t value your intimate eperiences. xx

    Comment by fjl — March 15, 2006 @ 4:30 am

  21. I find myself going through a lot of the same feelings, and the checking for “telling” website stats as well. it’s a horrible state of things. Just know that you’re not alone in these feelings, not alone in these times.

    Mon esprit est déterminé bien que mon coeur soit lourd, et ma mémoire attend.

    Comment by Grunlted — March 15, 2006 @ 4:34 am

  22. All of those unanswered questions that keep spinning around in your head after a break up make things even more difficult. There never seems to be a suitable answer to that blaring “why?” Your words are so familiar, and as NicoleH wrote, healing for those of us recently in similar situations as well. I think you are dealing with this painful time bravely and with grace. Thank you for continuing to write. I hope you will feel a bit better with each new day.

    Comment by Ursula — March 15, 2006 @ 5:36 am

  23. If only we could know why people leave… But then it could seem totally ungrounded, and as such even more painful. And they might not even know. It is only eleven days and I admire the way you are dealing with it, idea about the blog meet and all. Hope it will all pass and knots in your stomach will loosen.

    Comment by mag — March 15, 2006 @ 7:37 am

  24. Of course you are going to miss him – everyone who has loved and lost has to go through this – but I reckon you are dealing with it far better than I did (and I went through it several times).
    Actually, I met my first love (with his wife) a few months ago. We hadn’t seen each other for 40 years. I had to agree that his wife was a better choice for him than I would have been but I still felt a certain flutter of regret . . . .

    Comment by Sandy — March 15, 2006 @ 9:40 am

  25. Two things of priceless worth; learning and loving! Nothing else has the same lasting value.

    Comment by Cyril — March 15, 2006 @ 10:29 am

  26. Does 11 days feel like forever in some ways?

    Comment by fjl — March 15, 2006 @ 11:37 am

  27. Yes. Two weeks ago yesterday I was gaily planning a pancake party, him chopping apples by my side. And today, when I try to summon up his face, it is blurred. (And I have hardly any photos, I now realise).

    Comment by petite — March 15, 2006 @ 11:43 am

  28. I think you’ve summed up the eternal question that we all ask…….WHY? I think the length of time you ponder depends on the kind of person you are. Eleven days, eleven hours, eleven years……….me, I’m more the eleven year kinda gal. But it’s draining, let me tell you.

    OK, not eleven years, but I do ponder a long while – and I’m ashamed to admit, usually until I meet someone else who……..distracts me from my thoughts.

    Sometimes, I just need out of my own head. But no matter how I try, I can’t escape.

    As for your lack of photos – didn’t you find it was the same with Mr Frog? I recall a post about the lack of pictures of your little family?

    I’m not a photo person – some are – some aren’t.

    Comment by Kasey — March 15, 2006 @ 11:55 am

  29. I had plenty of photos of Mr Frog and Tadpole, just not many with me on, as I took them all. (And felt fat, après-Tadpole, and fled at the merest sight of a lens pointed in my direction).

    But broken cameras and unwilling-to-be-photographed Lover mean that I only have a couple of pictures of him, ill with the flu, taken when I was fiddling with my new camera. And a couple of very blurred shots on my mobile, which I won’t be keeping.

    Not a lot to show for 9 months.

    Comment by petite — March 15, 2006 @ 12:12 pm

  30. I do also torture myself staring at photos…sort of “The way we were”!!! So painful but so necessary! And I have also the fear that if I don’t have photos I won’t remember or that my feelings did not exist!! I know that sounds weird but photos give a nostalgic feeling of having being part of something! But they are just photos…but they make the letting go less letting go…!!! So maybe it’s better not to have photos and just go on…! Maybe…

    Comment by Eau — March 15, 2006 @ 1:01 pm

  31. This, too, shall come to an end. I know: it’s cold comfort right now.

    Sixteen years ago, I was going through something similar for the first time. Only three weeks ago, the man in question got in touch to say hello, for the first time since 1990, having found my email address on the Web. I’m glad he liked me enough to do that, pleased he’s alive, and glad to know about the path his life has taken, but that’s the extent of my feelings now. It’s plain to me that we could never have stayed together. That sense of closure will come to you, too, in its own time.

    The lack of photos may one day turn out to be a blessing in disguise. When I was in the throes of divorce four years ago, I had an awful time trying to find a place where I could burn the many photos of my ex-husband. I wouldn’t even call it a cathartic experience; they were just unwelcome physical baggage.

    When I left him, I found things to rejoice in amidst my sadness – like never again having to eat over-spicy food, listen to his tall stories knowing they were untrue, or see him drunkenly attempting to disco-dance and flirting with anyone who would look at him. Ugh. But I digress. In addition to your worries about leaving Paris, surely there were some things you didn’t like about Jim? Surely it wasn’t all sunshine and roses?

    Comment by Claire — March 15, 2006 @ 1:35 pm

  32. When a was a teenage girl, with my best mate, we used to say a blurred recall meant that new love was still there in our minds, that the attraction was still there. It’s when you recall a lover all too vividly that you don’t want them anymore atall.
    We were too right, as young girls are.
    One of mother nature’s tricks again ? I wonder :-)

    Comment by fjl — March 15, 2006 @ 1:57 pm

  33. The long pondering (Kasey) and self-torture (Eau) are indicative that great care for the other person, and a want to learn as much from what is now your past as possible exist.

    I keep saying these things to myself to get through the days.

    Keep breathing. Just one breath at a time…

    Comment by Gruntled — March 15, 2006 @ 2:07 pm

  34. “No man is an island, entire of itself…”
    – John Donne

    Everyone has been where you have been and everyone feels an echo of the pain you express, regardless of their own current situation.

    And like everyone, you’ll find a new love because people are social creatures and as much as this is just psychological jargon, Maslow was right with his Hierarchy. You’ll fill those “belongingness” needs soon enough – and just ignore stale, shallow men on planes.

    Your pain ebbs and you can tell with each undulating wave of sorrow and discomfort. You’ll find joy again.

    And you’ll find love – but you already know that.

    Comment by Fixed Up Girl — March 15, 2006 @ 2:13 pm

  35. Thank you Petite for sharing your feelings with us and prompting such interesting comments from all your friends. Your blog is really an opening to the world.

    Comment by Forestine — March 15, 2006 @ 2:38 pm

  36. Dear Petite Anglaise,
    I have just landed by chance on your blog.
    I can not remember how. After reading a part of your vicissitudes in Paris, I have the impression to skim the new diary of Bridget Jones or to watch an episode of “Sex and the City” except that you live in France and you are an unmarried mother.
    Thank to you I improve my english and enrich my vocabulary. I promise that I will visit your homepage
    more often.
    I appreciate your writing. Although my mother tongue is not english (sorry for my broken english) I feel when I read you a genuine literary approach of your daily life (I suppose it is your real existence).
    I do not know what kind of job you practise (I have not yet read all : maybe already writer or journalist) but to my mind you have a gift for that.
    You should publish your own adventures, comical situations and misfortunes (it adds spice to a book).
    This diary could be entitled : “Une petite Anglaise à Paris”. I am sure that you will become soon successful.
    Usually I am not interested in visiting blogs because
    I find them very egocentric, shameless or at worst desperate (people trying to draw attention). Yet yours and your talent for writing, your witty feel for narration make me think that in this virtual world we can find out talented writers unaware of their abilities.
    So hats off to you Petite Anglaise !

    Kholastiak

    Comment by Kholastiak — March 15, 2006 @ 2:54 pm

  37. Sex and the City. Without the sex. Sigh.

    Comment by petite — March 15, 2006 @ 3:14 pm

  38. Ah yes. I think that was the crux of my ‘why’? How could he want to finish it when the sex was so f*cking amazing? But I think that might just be men for you….

    As for the photos, I only had three of Mr Sort-Of- Holiday-Romance staring grumpily into the sun on the beach in Cannes (was an unwillingness to be photographed indicative of something, I wonder?) At first I pined over them excessively, but then lost sight of them when I started living with my husband. I last came across them about a year ago (couldn’t tell you where they are now) and just wondered what all the fuss had been about. (I’d keep the blurred ones on the mobile though. Just because…)

    Comment by P — March 15, 2006 @ 3:26 pm

  39. ‘Open book… broken spine’

    You have a wonderful way with words Petite. Truly beautiful.

    Even if reading them has brought tears to my eyes.

    I can only offer you sisterly solidarity and webby-cyber-support for what you are going through, but I truly wish you all the best and hope that things get better soon.
    xx

    Comment by The Girl — March 15, 2006 @ 4:39 pm

  40. Hi, Ive just found your blog and i love it. I’ll stay tuned. Good luck with everything.

    Comment by The Mad Hatter — March 15, 2006 @ 4:46 pm

  41. Nobody knows. Chin up… and maybe you try thinking about something else besides relationships, like how swimming elephants could have fooled the world for so many years as the Nessie, or why the world has to begin at 9am, or why my pancakes always burn…

    Btw, since you know I’ve moved to wordpress and have developed wordpress-related insomnia, I will tell you that I absolutely love poking your eye everytime I have to submit a comment. Good attention to detail Ms. Anglaise!

    Comment by nardac — March 15, 2006 @ 5:15 pm

  42. Ouch

    *rubs eye*

    Comment by petite — March 15, 2006 @ 5:18 pm

  43. So come out and tell us Jim. Why?

    Comment by Parkin Pig — March 15, 2006 @ 5:33 pm

  44. He’s not reading at the moment. He feels it would be inappropriate to “look over my shoulder”.

    Apparently.

    And yes, I emailed him. And yes, I feel worse and wish I hadn’t. And yes, I’ll try not to do it again.

    But I am weak.

    Comment by petite — March 15, 2006 @ 5:39 pm

  45. Petite, I thought that might be the case! x Just when we want them to look through the keyhole or listen at the door, they don’t! x

    Comment by fjl — March 15, 2006 @ 5:54 pm

  46. Hi–I just was directed to your site and was floored by the power of your prose.

    Beautiful and heartbreaking.

    Comment by K — March 15, 2006 @ 6:07 pm

  47. Inappropriate? Was that his word?

    By the way Petite, you’re not weak – you’re just human and that’s why there are so many of us who keep tuning in to see how you’re doing. You’re putting into words what so many of us have felt, are feeling or will no doubt feel again (although you manage to find the words to convey your feelings when a lot of us do not!).

    Comment by Hazy — March 15, 2006 @ 6:25 pm

  48. I can’t take it any longer. My reaction when people do stupid things like this to my friends is to threaten bodily harm to the dumper. I know it wouldn’t make you feel any better, but I’m always willing to slash a few tires or put Nair into shampoo bottles. Yes, it’s immature, but doesn’t the idea of semi-bald Jim purchasing 4 new tires bring a small smile to your face?

    This relationship reminds me of my first love. It was grand and romantic and firey and filled with hope only to be quashed by immaturity and fear. Ridiculousness filled my head too–it’s not your fault. You’re like a victim of crossfire. Jim had issue with lots of things and you just got caught up in it. Unfortunately, you’re the one who’s left bleeding and wounded. You aren’t weak either. Love doesn’t show up in one day and it surely doesn’t go away in one day either, if ever.

    Can we rename him? I vote for Ass Monkey. :-) Lots of love to you.

    Comment by Deep Blu Sea — March 15, 2006 @ 6:26 pm

  49. Hazy it’s so true what you are saying…! She finds the words when a lot of us don’t!

    Comment by Eau — March 15, 2006 @ 7:06 pm

  50. I would have emailed too. If that makes you feel better. You’re not weak, Petite, you’re normal.

    Sorry to say ;)

    Comment by Kasey — March 15, 2006 @ 8:56 pm

  51. Oh, petite…

    That is the worst feeling in the world — the moment after you press “send” with something you know you never should have put out there.

    Sadly, I know it all too well.

    Comment by 21st Century Woman — March 15, 2006 @ 9:55 pm

  52. Like heck he’s not “reading over your shoulder”, unless you have another fan in Rennes.

    Now that I’ve discovered what a statmeter is.

    Comment by Claire — March 15, 2006 @ 9:58 pm

  53. You only have to think how much worse it would have been, if you had rushed into a marriage or pregnancy and then…..the world comes crashing down on you. Now that’s a predicament….

    Comment by Ruth — March 15, 2006 @ 10:06 pm

  54. Well, I’m sorry to say that tonight on Petite’s Sitemer, that’s only me…I’m also located in Rennes, and using proxad (meaning Free).
    I’m one of the other fans in Rennes I guess. Reading and re reading Petite’s words.

    Sadly, I have no words of comfort to offer. I’m way too clumsy to write something about what you are going through.

    Comment by landrellec — March 15, 2006 @ 10:11 pm

  55. Petite, no wish to labour a perhaps trivial point, and I can’t speak for Keith, of course, but I never took it from Jim’s ‘tongue in cheek’ comment that he was likely to be of a violent or abusive disposition. It wan’t that at all. It was just that his choice of language, in comparison, to yours (which so many of us are always so impressed by) just seemed so discordant! So, whenever you reported, as you often did, that you fell under the spell of his words on your blog, before you ever met face to face, I found myself wondering ….why?

    Comment by fella — March 15, 2006 @ 10:35 pm

  56. Petite, I’ve popped in all day, I’ve had a loon bother and stalk me on my blog so I’ve gone on a walk from mine recently. Don’t want to overdoit but just to say, you’ve given me a sense of peace in that I know I’m not the only person who goes through this stuff, this ‘why doesn’t the f**ker want me?”-after a lover just shrugs us off. When people like you are so frank, it takes the sense of self blame from the rest of our hearts and minds, and I’m sure you’re helping lot of people. Some people would disagree but I think your honesty works really well.

    Comment by fjl — March 15, 2006 @ 11:12 pm

  57. Sorry for the stats counter….please don’t ask me to stay away…
    Thinking of you lots Petite.
    Sincere best wishes to you and Tadders.

    Comment by Lucy-Jane(um, in Rennes) — March 15, 2006 @ 11:42 pm

  58. Hi Petite, I am sure you will get through this fine. Your blog has me riveted by the way…. good luck ;-)

    Comment by Le Cornouaillais — March 15, 2006 @ 11:42 pm

  59. gah! i just realized that since i read you every post through bloglines, you might not see my IP showing up all the time and how you have many, many admirers (even those who should not be *ahem* ‘admiring’) from outside of Rennes.

    btw, i agree with krissa about ‘not that into you’ only because i have a terrible history of falling for those who exactly aren’t that into me. i think it’s something about the challenge…

    Comment by brando — March 16, 2006 @ 1:44 am

  60. Petite, Don’t worry about the e-mails maybe since he’s been with he’s selfisness for awhile now he’ll relize he was wrong? Take care my dear I guess you hear this over and over but everyday when you feel like you could just break , turn around there will be Tadpole and the hurt will subside some.
    Take care,
    Linda

    Comment by Linda — March 16, 2006 @ 3:54 am

  61. You mentioned something about “excess baggage.” Denial and fear are incredibly powerful defense mechanisms. He didn’t let you in, did he? (Or at least not as much as you would have wanted?) Distancing ourselves from the ones we want to care about so much is more about denial and fear than anything else. I know about it ,as I am trying to come to grips with it in my own situation as well. I suspect, as it is with Jim, that it is his past that he is trying to reconcile.

    I know you are torn up inside. I suspect however, that you are not the only one, as there are often no innocents in this type of situation. Just speculation on my part.

    Comment by Dave of the Lake — March 16, 2006 @ 6:53 am

  62. Excuse me, he did let her in. What do you call a break-up with Mr Frog (she must have discussed it with him), dozens of weekends together, most of them involving 3 children, plans for moving and enrolling Tadpole at school in Rennes, weekends meeting his preceious “mates”…I could go on but maybe I won’t as I am too het up on Petite’s behalf to write succinctly.

    Comment by Flighty — March 16, 2006 @ 9:28 am

  63. Last night I was cut off from the interweb – someone had sawn through a fibre optic cable in the 19th – and it was like having a limb severed not being able to check in to PA.

    Just one thing : fella, the words which charmed me were in private emails, not in comments. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to delete them.

    And of course he’s hurting too. He didn’t switch off his feelings from one day to the next, even if he thought this was for the best in the long run.

    I think what I find hardest to digest though, is that they were his plans originally, not mine. I wasn’t building castles in the air on my own, he built them, and I believed in them. I think I have learnt an important lesson about holding back – because he/we said a lot of intense things very early in the day, which we were genuinely feeling at that time, but shouldn’t have said out loud until some time had passed and we could see everything more clearly, without the rose tinged spectacles.

    Comment by petite — March 16, 2006 @ 9:46 am

  64. Nardac :

    Elephants in Scotland? wow…

    Comment by croque madame — March 16, 2006 @ 10:43 am

  65. They confirmed last week that the legend of the Loch Ness Monster was really a hoax in 1933 when elephants from a neighbouring circus went swimming in the lake, and the circus owner offered a great sum of money for the capture of the beast.

    Now back to Petite…

    Comment by nardac — March 16, 2006 @ 12:22 pm

  66. This is a little off topic, and no doubt unwelcome, but that visit tracker thingy ROCKS. Tis almost worth starting up a blog just to get one of those.

    Hope you’re OK petite – it is very brave to talk about all this on line; no doubt there’s even more going on inside. Take care.

    Comment by cheria — March 16, 2006 @ 12:24 pm

  67. I like the stat thing too – I often wonder who “Villeneuve St Georges” is, or “Sudbery, Ontario”…

    I particularly liked it when the number of page views went into 6 figures last week too.

    Comment by petite — March 16, 2006 @ 2:33 pm

  68. Wow. Site Meter says I am from Jamesville, New York. I take great offense at that slight, as I am actually from Fayetteville, New York, and would have nothing to do with anyone from Jamesville. Pfff.

    Comment by LJ — March 16, 2006 @ 3:00 pm

  69. You both got me interested and so I had a peek at Site Meter. It’s weird that some of the locations are so specific and others (like the one that I assume refers to me) are rather general (ie. placing me in the capital city rather than where I actually am) and about 300 km off. Congratulations on the number of visitors Petite!!

    Comment by Hazy — March 16, 2006 @ 5:04 pm

  70. The city or location name is based on the “owner” if the IP address. Your ISP will switch you periodically, which is why it will show the nearest larger city or town, unless, of course, you actually own the IP address and register your location.

    sorry. didn’t mean to detract or to make anyone’s eyes glaze over.

    Comment by Gruntled — March 16, 2006 @ 5:10 pm

  71. I think i’ve become the thread killer. :[

    it shows my IP as being located approximately 560 km from where I currently am.

    Petite, do you find yourself trying to distract your mind from the state of things? I do.

    Comment by Gruntled — March 16, 2006 @ 6:23 pm

  72. Gruntled, I went also on the site meter and checked around but I’m not a web pro so I am wondering how do I know it’s me – Eau- when there are several generic Ile de France?
    It’s probably a stupid question …but if I don’t ask I will never know!! Thanks for help!

    Comment by Eau — March 16, 2006 @ 7:18 pm

  73. I got back here after a long absnce and I read this.

    I don’t really have a comment here. How could I.

    (I bought Never Let Me Go today — out of coincidence.)

    I wish you endurance.

    Comment by Loxias — March 16, 2006 @ 7:36 pm

  74. Eau, The easiest way for a novice would be to use a geolocator tool.

    Try hitting http://www.ip2location.biz

    This site takes your current IP and does the lookup.

    Comment by Gruntled — March 16, 2006 @ 7:38 pm

  75. Of course they went into six figures, phenominal girl :-) x

    Comment by fjl — March 16, 2006 @ 7:42 pm

  76. Okay, this is getting totally off-topic, but I’ve checked three different times now, and I never show up on petite’s sitemeter. Could it be because I have sitemeter on my blog, and have it set not to show up when I look at my own site? I want to be counted too!

    Comment by Samantha — March 16, 2006 @ 8:55 pm

  77. I’m “Stevenage, Norfolk” ? Hounslow, under the flight path. Less exotic, but geographically accurate.

    Comment by Jan — March 16, 2006 @ 9:30 pm

  78. Ooh, that’s scary. You’ve driven me out of my quiet little Sudburian corner (practically in the Arctic), thinking I was invisible. But now I must say that I admire your writing and look forward to it each day.

    Comment by Geminga — March 16, 2006 @ 9:53 pm

  79. this is getting comical. Bloggers are supposed to be obsessed with their stats – clicking on them being something of a nervous tic, so I can say to myself “ooh! ninety people looking all at once, good gracious”…

    But you are commenters. You are not supposed to be looking at my toy. Stop it, or I’ll put the invisible tracker on!

    Comment by petite — March 16, 2006 @ 10:41 pm

  80. But it is amazing though :0) I felt like putting my hands over my eyes! Eighty comments! Yours is the first blog that’s made me laugh with amazement. Amazing girl.

    Comment by fjl — March 16, 2006 @ 10:44 pm

  81. Looks like commenters are just as self-obsessed as bloggers are ;-)

    Curiosity got the better of me, too. It seems I’m supposed to be in Vancouver, 3 time zones away… Thanks to the well-connected Gruntler, at least I understand why.

    Comment by ontario frog — March 16, 2006 @ 10:56 pm

  82. checked my stats too — and they didn’t show up. Turns out it’s because I’m blocking the sitemeter cookie, so it doesn’t read that I exist. Go figure.

    On another few points:
    1) “He’s Not That Into Me” has good and bad points — like all relationship advice.

    2) Being broken up with sucks, I agree: hated it when it happened to my. My deepest sympathies, esp. since you really felt you had something with this individual.

    Take care.

    Comment by twicker — March 16, 2006 @ 11:03 pm

  83. Mon Dieu! I’ve created monsters…

    stats-hounds, more likely.

    :]

    Comment by Gruntled — March 16, 2006 @ 11:40 pm

  84. Thanks for the link Gruntled…just figured out that my location was showing up as Paris, even though I live three and a half hours a way in Bretagne. Now that makes me wonder how correct my own stats are….

    Comment by Samantha — March 16, 2006 @ 11:52 pm

  85. o i check my stats for certain people too. bastards barely ever stop by….

    Comment by piu piu — March 17, 2006 @ 12:27 am

  86. I’d never clicked on SiteMeter before, and I have to say, I am shocked by the amount of detail you can find out about me and where I’m viewing from. Scary, actually.

    Comment by 21st Century Woman — March 17, 2006 @ 12:32 am

  87. I am a rudderless boat turning in dizzy, uncomprehending circles on a sea of noisy tears.
    Wow thats an exact description of how i feel.

    Comment by Watch Live Football — March 17, 2006 @ 1:05 am

  88. I wouldn’t count on the stats. being that accurate, if I were you, the location at least.

    If I am on my PC from work my location is marked as California (US) and I am actually working not far from Paris.The reason being that my companies main offices are located in the US and everything passes by there before coming back.

    So Petite is you see a regular visitor from California it is actually a Brit. living near Paris :)

    Comment by Pauline — March 17, 2006 @ 7:24 am

  89. Gruntled…thanks! Now I have found my current IP but still no sign of me…!! But I should stop with this stat tool and try to work a little!!!

    Comment by Eau — March 17, 2006 @ 10:14 am

  90. Does no-one care about my broken heart any more?

    Uncaring bastards.

    Only joking.

    Comment by petite — March 17, 2006 @ 10:37 am

  91. I care about your broken heart..

    Comment by David in London — March 17, 2006 @ 10:58 am

  92. We’re a cunning group of commenters – the Elephant angle snuck in quite early on at comment 41, which changed the direction slightly, and then before we knew it for the last thirty comments or so we’ve been talking stats! Nothing like a group of geographically obsessed commenters to take your mind off things!!

    Comment by Hazy — March 17, 2006 @ 10:58 am

  93. Course we care. Sorry, it was me who started this geeky stuff – but the site meter is terribly pretty…

    Comment by Claire — March 17, 2006 @ 10:59 am

  94. We do indeed care – otherwise we wouldn’t be here to comment, let alone look at the site meter. Which is, by the way, fascinating – Mauritius for example, what a very interesting set of readers you have petite.

    The clean break is the best way – but we all get involved in a little recidivism now and then (I once sent a letter to the parents of someone who broke my heart – regretted it within minutes!). Life will get better, but the wait for that is going to hurt.

    As the Dutch would say, sterkte (somehow I feel that strength is what you need right now).

    Comment by Clazza — March 17, 2006 @ 11:15 am

  95. This stat thing is addictive – I’m loving “Repulse Bay” and “Happy Valley”.

    Comment by petite — March 17, 2006 @ 1:08 pm

  96. this comment box has opened up a whole new world to me. And now I know that I’m from Lancaster as well. And I thought I’d been living in Glasgow for the past 10 years…

    And yes we care. My beloved thought I was utter bonkers though when I told him about it all, he was a bit bemused though that I woould care for someone I don’t know personally. Anyway, keep the faith and courage,

    Comment by cartside — March 17, 2006 @ 2:13 pm

  97. The Internet makes breaking up an interesting thing doesn’t it?

    I even find myself looking at the ex-boyfriend’s blog that I broke up with when I met Stuart last spring. It is sort of like when you are angry with someone and you read their horoscope. There is a part of me that hopes that it says, “And because you are a soulless dork, you will spend the rest of your life regretting you did not treat a certain someone better.”

    It’s not that I want him back, but I want him to know how useless he is. Is that wrong? ;)

    It’s also the ultimate snooping in the bathroom cupboard.

    On the flip side, for you I am sure there is a part that is hoping that he will read your essays and reconsider your lives together.

    Painful stuff.

    -I’m a stat addict too. I’m looking for a support group.

    Hugs XXX

    Comment by Nicole — March 19, 2006 @ 11:06 am

  98. Forget him and move on. You sound pathetic already (sorry to say this). Give yourself a break and stop blogging about him.

    Comment by concerned — March 20, 2006 @ 7:35 pm

  99. This is no consolation, but your words about how you’re feeling at the moment etc. are kind of comforting to me, because I know I’m not the only person doing all those things. Take loads of vitamins. Because, believe me, if you get a bad cold, you feel even shittier. I hope you feel a bit brighter soon. xx

    Comment by rhino75 — March 21, 2006 @ 12:17 am

  100. rhino – How did you guess? Have now caught streaming cold off Tadpole, who likes to share…

    Concerned – I have never held back from saying how I feel on this site, even when the feelings are not something I am necessarily proud of, and do not show me in the best light. I think everyone feels a bit “pathetic” in this situation. That feeling has passed now. I’m healing a lot faster than I thought I would.

    Comment by petite — March 21, 2006 @ 8:33 am


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