The reason I feel that jealousy is not integral to love is that I have never, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, felt jealous in my life. I have certainly loved though, and I’ve also had some damn good sex ;)(with the same people I hasten to add). So I would have to disagree that sex and jealousy go hand in hand, as you seem to suggest. On the contrary, in my experience, jealousy in a relationship, and I’m talking about real, obsessive jealousy, kills slowly but surely sexual desire because as Laura mentioned, the “victim” (hate that word) of the jealousy begins, without wishing to, to edit out certain details which might cause pain to their jealous loved one, and suddenly, the relationship is no longer 100% honest. Which of course the jealous person perceives as, “If you can lie to me about that, what else do you lie about?” That kind of mistrust and fear is, I have to say, diametrically opposed to all that makes sex great, for me anyway.

Interesting though, to speculate that the jealousy I have experienced was because I was great in bed! So perhaps I should have taken it as a compliment? I don’t know, I still feel that it was the *perceived* threat that others posed which was the problem. I couldn’t get him to understand that he was the only one I saw.

(Sorry mum.)

I have also been in Laura’s position and I would agree with her. This is something which needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later, as it can become a poison which subtly, insidiously, almost without you noticing, spreads through the whole relationship. When that lovey-dovey, passionate, obsessive phase of your relationship with Lover cools down a little and develops into something more stable (as it shall) you need to make sure that what it evolves into is healthy, honest and free of jealousy. Jealousy is NOT an integral part of love in my opinion. It is about fear and low self-esteem. A person who is jealous is afraid that who and what they are isn’t enough to keep the person they love in love with them, and that somewhere out there is someone who has what they don’t, and thus has the power to take away their most precious possession (I choose my words carefully). I’m glad you’re able to discuss it with Lover, but I really think you should consider it an alarm bell.

I hope, of course, that I’m wrong as far as you’re concerned. But as I say I’ve been there and it sneaks up on you- forewarned is forearmed, as they say. ;)

Jealousy is part and parcel of the same instincts that make humans territorial creatures. The difference here is that unlike our ancestors, we have the capability to control it. Our more complex brains have the ability to override our basic, animal instincts, as well as the effects of social conditioning.

Now I know this sounds very cold and didactic, but, it is still normal.

Petite, I think your decision to share your feelings with your lover is a good one. It is the best way to not only reassure yourself, but to shove down those nasties into your mental Pandora’s box.